Brokenness and need

The picture describes how I feel this morning. My back has gone again. After a good few years of freedom, it's happened again. The old injury has reasserted itself and the pinched nerve pain is back. This morning it took me 5 minutes to roll around trying to find a position so I could get up out of bed, without shooting pains. I feel so frustrated but successfully got to the bathroom. I felt so insecure needing to use wall doors etc to help me walk, or even move.

Back pain is a major problem yet the pain in the legs and backside aren't where the problem is. The ache is referred from a pinched nerve in my back. The shooting pains are, I think, linked to the nerve and muscles which tense trying to protect me. Yet because of the tension I have no back strength to move rather generate more pain when I move.

I have reached that situation where I'm really struggling and pure will power is not enough. About 10 days ago, Iris smiled in a situation where I bit off more than I could chew and told me that she felt good because I needed her. She's an international who came to help me. I must remember that in my ability to serve and help that I must also learn to receive. For some it is vice versa, but for me it is to allow others to help me in my need. For some it is the spiritual discipline of service, perhaps others it is the spiritual discipline of discipline of being served. For me often my identity is based in what I do or can do, yet true relationship has some aspect of reciprocity, on a human to human level this should be mutuality. But on the divine to human level we encounter something very different. We serve and yet we are also served.

In this time I'm struggling. I have to be open to being served with all the implications that are involved.

Worship and Musical miracles

Years ago I was handed a copy of Grantley Morris' In Tune with God. It quite formative because it raise my expectations about worship and music in particular. You can download a copy from here or you can listen to podcast versions (I haven't check these) here. The subtitle The Quest for Music Miracles gives a lot away. It is a study into the spiritual, the metaphysical, the supernatural, or miraculous side of worship. My lasting memory are the accounts of jubilation, the phenomenon where the singing moves beyond the sum total of the individuals singing, where supposedly the angels of heaven join in. In my current clear up I rediscovered my printed out copy and deciding to dispose of the individual printed sheets instead I found versions on the internet to store on my hard drive.

I believe I have had experiences of jubilation a number of times in my life. While they are thrilling and as a musician and worship thinker I am fascinated by the phenomenon, they are only somethings and experiences. Ultimately Christian spirituality is about falling in love with someone.

Fixing stuff but it's only repaired

Iris, one of the internationals I work with, broke her glasses. She uses contacts but uses the glasses at home. It would be crazy to buy a new pair so soon so I decided to try and fix them. There are a lot of problems given that it was the nose piece. In the end I drilled 2 very fine holes and stitched them together with copper wire. With hindsight I should have used steel wire. Anyhow the threads weren' strong enough by themselves even with epoxy. So I had to make an epoxy putty shell or cast to bridge the gap. Not a beautiful repair, but no worse than a plaster cast on your arm or leg. The trouble is the human body repairs itself and so the cast is eventually no longer needed but of course the glasses cannot.

I'm frequently troubled how many people around lack caution assuming or behaving as if things will sort themselves out. The trouble is that we are all accountable in one way or another for action or inaction. In the classic theological formulation the sins of commission and omision. War crimes tribunals do not accept the fact that "I was only following orders" as an adequate excuse. As I understand it every Israeli soldier is capable to assuming command as and when required to do so. There's a whole lot of stuff in this world that can be repaired but never really fixed. The damage has been done! Eeverything thereafter is a patched repair, something put together.