Faith and Fear

Monday morning I had an episode. I went to a reading class with my professor and suddenly there was this zigzag bright flashing line in my eyes blocking part my vision. I had to pause our discussion because I couldn't see properly. Over the years I have had floaters inside the eye and you learn to live with those things. Anyhow my professor was concerned and told me to see an opthalmologist and if they came back or I saw a veil of darkness to go to emergency immediately. Anyhow the lights went away and I couldn't detect any vision problems but I had a whole series of meetings etc.

Tuesday morning I had a day long meeting and called my old opthamologist and had real difficulties getting an appointment but telling the receptionist the symptoms and her talking to the doctor got me in Wednesday morning. But I didn't sleep at all well last night. My back was hurting as well because of the underlying tension, worry, and fear of what if my retina detaches or I have to go into emergency etc. Who will look after me if I do have vision problems or impaired sight? Internet research means that that ignorance is bliss is impossible because I now know the worse possible possibilities and outcomes.

Faith and Fear are sometime said to be effectively opposites but it seems to me not exact opposites. Fear and anxiety are similar but not the same but both sap energy and create all manner of effects in my body and psyche. I don't know whether I reach on he scale fear but I have been more anxious than I thought. It has taken 9 hours to calm down. Nine hours since the opthamologist told me that the thick gel inside the eye has shrunk and pulled away around the optic nerve but this is quite common.

To have Faith is to be blind, otherwise it is knowledge and therefore not faith. These couple of days have been stressful and anxious and a call to faith. My faith has been stretched.