stressful times

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Psalm 42

I covet prayer. I desire prayers said. Iris needs a covering of prayer as the situation at home comes to a very difficult point.

I'm so stressed that I left home leaving the front door open all afternoon Monday. I'm stretched caring deeply about a situation thousands of miles away. There I am the the cause or a key factor of so much pain. Here I'm stretched as Auntie Mary has the big C again and I'm called to make decisions about the future and her care. So where is my God?

All I can hold is simple hope. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Clearing and Decluttering

I think I've cleared around a thousand books and I still cannot achieve the ten percent open space that this video suggests. But then again I've gotten rid of 4 book cases already.

Day 13 - 20/20 Home Cure - Fall 2010 from maxwell gillingham-ryan on Vimeo.

I need to reclaim space so that I can welcome Iris and have space for her and truly nurturing space for our life together.

Fierce Faith

We desire to be totally influenced by Jesus Christ and concerned with the personhood of others rather than with their talents or other gifts. John English Spiritual Freedom

Tonight is a difficult night in Korea and wish I were there, or she were here. The feelings of powerlessness are very real in me yet I am not in despair rather a desire for God's glory to be revealed. There are many tough lessons in life to be learned and fears to be confronted for me and I learned this week a saying from Richard Rohr that "Hope is fear's faith." I misheard it the first time and thought "Hope is fierce faith." But both are equally strong and insightful. In the face of the pain I feel she has, I have to, I must hope and find strength for her that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rm 8:28)

I've been reading John English for a month now and he wrote about the love relationship with God describing 3 modes of humility illustrated by the love relationship of marriage. The first is
illustrated by a commitment to the love relationship in being faithful. The second goes deeper being sensitive to situations of conflict which damage the relationship and seeking to make amends. Finally the third is that suffering with the spouse who is suffering. ..."the acid test of humility and sharing with one another will be found in suffering. ... In love's paradoxical view, a couple might even desire this situation if only to show their love by staying together in time of insults and disregard."

This is a tough time and perhaps I feel further away than I want to be, but I'm reminded of Bruce Cockburn's song Waiting for a Miracle. I'm really praying for the miracle.

You rub your palm
On the grimy pane
In the hope that you can see
You stand up proud
You pretend you're strong
In the hope that you can be
Like the ones who've cried
Like the ones who've died
Trying to set the angel in us free
While they're waiting for a miracle

Recycle and simplicity

I was reading an article on Lifehacker and one respondent claimed

A cd/dvd is considered a class 7 recyclable plastic. To manufacture a pound of plastic (30 CDs per pound), it requires 300 cubic feet of natural gas, 2 cups of crude oil and 24 gallons of water. It is estimated that AOL alone has distributed more than 2 billion CDs. That is the natural gas equivalent of heating 200,000 homes for 1 year. It is estimated that it will take over 1 million years for a CD to completely decompose in a landfill.

I'm so glad I no longer back my data up onto CD and DVD roms. But the issues remain about the nature of our garbage. The clutter I've been hanging onto is crazy, but perhaps the music industry's hanging onto CD's and the movie industries to DVD's is worse. I'm currently reading Henry David Thoreau's Walden. A very interesting book written in the first half of 19th century. It's a fascinating read not just because Thoreau is a Transcendentalist - a pre-industrialization proto- ecologist but because he challenges unbridled acquisition. In order to research and write, he built a little house by Walden Pond and farmed a few acres and claimed that "I found that ... it required only thirty or forty days in a year to support one." He grew his own food and built his own shelter and sold a little excess to cover his costs. He lived at Walden for 2 years 2 months and 2 days. The fascinating thing is I've been reading this on an iPod touch which has been gifted me by grace as a pass-me-on. It isn't, for me, a hand-me-down because it has raised me up. What if I had bought a book?

It occurs to me that it might possible to live your life more simply where technology is used especially where distribution is digital and virtual. Thoreau seems to be for me at the moment a 19th century hippie, jailed for refusing to pay his taxes in protest over the Mexican War. There is no doubt of his intellectual ability and insightfulness. (A graduate of Harvard.) I'm interested in where these thoughts go in the collision of ideas between Thoreau's and the distribution of digital media through the internet as possibly a lighter carbon footprint .

How does this relate to spirituality and faith? I believe we tend to simply accept cultural trends and marketing. We buy into an unbridled consumption model. if we do this it is extremely difficult not to end up with cluttered lives, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. We need enough space to think and to think critically. I'm about to read yet another book about decluttering. I am amazed not that I reading another one but that I can find yet another one. This one published 2008!

ways of asserting

Caring for my Auntie Mary is a strain at times. At 93 she remains strongly independent but sadly not to the extent of looking after herself properly. She is not eating enough and yet wants to live alone. It's tough as she wants to assert her independence but I need to help her do it in the right way.

I am glad that we can have 1 hour a day assisted living with a support worker, but now I get phone calls from the different agencies when she is not home. Saturday I had 4 calls from 2 different agencies because she did not answer her phone or door. Finally she answered the phone when she came home 7.30pm from her mineral club show. She did not tell the agency or the helper as she found them a nuisance . God give me strength and wisdom as I have to convince her that independence means having these people in her life!

Dogs and Cats

Strange stuff the last few days. I learned that my good friend is looking after Penny a small friendly long-term. He took her on a canoe trip and had a great time with her. Dogs need us our attention and care about us. Penny was off her leash and yet came back because she knew who fed her and cared for her. I think Penny is good for him. He has to get up in the morning walk and feed and play and be loved by this little dog.

This morning I was late for service and was even later because as I locked my bike I saw a group of people looking upwards. There on the building opposite a 4 storey industrial place and on top of a 12 foot large brick chimney was a small white cat. How it got there I have no idea. But to be sure cats are very different animals to dogs in human relationships. Yes we worry about the cat but I don't think we can say a cat loves its owner or the one who cares for it in the same way as a dog.

This fits something I was reading in a book this week which is about small acts of generosity and their far reaching effects even on the one being generous. Henri Nouwen in an interview with Philip Yancey records being correct by Nouwen that he did not give up stuff to care for Adam at L'Arche. Nouwen gained and benefited from the relationship because in learning to love he learned how much he himself was loved by God.

In learning to love a little dog, learning to care for this animal we can learn that we are loved and cared for. I feel even in my relationship with others, and especially with Iris, in loving and caring for others I have learned what love is and more so the greater love of God.

Not a Mamil

I was wondering whether to buy a lycra cycling top as I have been loosing a bit of weight and cycling more. Today I managed my first steep hill in a year since my back injury. I didn't get off I didn't feel pain or strain anything. But I remembered the article I came across on the BBC news site, Rise of the Mamils (middle-aged men in lycra). Oops I thought and perhaps a cycling top is not the best idea. I'm not ready to join the Mamils yet! Maybe a few more pounds to go and I'll be the weight when I left school at eighteen.

As I get fitter and lighter I am feeling a lot more at ease. I took 6 boxes of theology books to the local bookstore just to clear and of course the public library system took 6 boxes of scifi. Today I cleared another 2 boxes of books and tomorrow I give away my bed.

A stressed week

The last few days have been stressful. My Auntie Mary wasn't home when she should have been but we weren't sure that she was out. When all the agencies (four of them) who are involved in her daily care call, I end up being the co-ordinator. I was trying to decide whether we needed the police or not. Thank God for helpful phone operators who referred me to a supervisor who was inspired to call the person giving her a ride to a doctor's appointment. Why a doctor's office doesn't have a human being to answer phones I have no idea. Anyway the panic was aleviated after 2 hours.

The same day my doctor emails me and tells me I have an adrenal incidentaloma. Actually I didn't see those words. All I saw in the email was a growth on my adrenal gland and a discussion whether in was benign or malignant. Well currently it is 6mm and therefore tiny and it needs to be monitored to see if it grows or not. There isn't a panic at the moment rather this is quite common and it will be a matter of wait and see. But I'm going to see the doctor next week.

This week I had my dental hgienist appointment. Mostly everything was OK except the problem molar was 9mm pocket. Actually 4 or 5 is normally bad! She took X-rays and was going to talk to the dentist. Well the same day as the other stuff she phones and advised me that the dentist was suggesting extraction! It's the last molar on the bottom right side, so I was worried. Nothing would left to chew on. Well we're going to wait and see if I can improve my hygiene and that it begins to heal! A real call for prayer because the expectation is that it will not.

Also this week is Iris' english exam results. She needed an average score of 6 and I got the call to say she got a 7. Our relief is unbelievable because all the other stuff of the week is pushed aside and we now know we can have a future together. With only 2 weeks of preparation I feel God's hand is with us.

Infobesity

We are so informed that we can’t be bothered. Catherine Collins British Dietetic Association

Brian just sent me a link to Tim Challies blog (here) and I found this great quote within a quote from John Naish's book Enough. We need and I think I need to learn his lesson of when enough is enough. Challies notes that Golden Labrador Retrievers are a dog that has a far bigger eyes than stomach and not a lot of sense. It will eat too much, throw up and then eat again. The dog will repeat this cycle.

... while we are given more information than ever about healthy eating, our consumption of fresh food has fallen. This is partly because we are too busy getting and spending to enjoy the simple pleasures of cooking.

One of the lessons coming at me from counseling and spiritual direction is that I know a lot but am lousy at actually practicing it or applying it in the real world. I know what I need to do but don't do it or use it or applying to wisdom. I consume information in large quantities but the issue is application. I hurt Iris yesterday because I had too much information to give rather than love and support. There is so much information out there but in fact it's more about learning lessons not consuming. It's more about digesting and not merely filling our stomachs. Otherwise we're (or at least I am) no better than a Golden Labrador Retriever.

information overload or obesity

...the average American on an average day, who consumes 34 gigabytes and 100,000 words of information Roger Bohn How Much Information? 2009 Report on American Consumers

I started reading a blogger running a site called infovegan. I was challenged because he was thinking about the consumption of information like food and calories. Rather than having the weight oppressing us, we are consumers of information and can become obese. The solution is a balanced diet. Many of his ideas originate from some research at the University of California by Roger Bohn (here). I think infovegan deductions are based on the fact that around 41 percent of information time is watching TV (including DVDs, recorded TV and real-time watching). But he fails to acknowledge that a higher percentage of the total time is spent on computer games.

Still there some interesting helpful suggestions which I been thinking in response to my internet time and bytes consumed which is vastly larger than the average American of the research. Infovegan suggests realizing we are choosing to eat and then looking at what we're consuming.

"...if you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the information you’re consuming, ... You’re consuming too much opinion and not enough fact. ... consumption ought to be limited such that you maintain a clear mind and the ability to form your own opinions."

So what do I need to do? Well I'm trying to read more books and some fiction. I'm trying to understand how I look at the world and respond to it. I'm trying to simplify in the pursuit of simplicity so I can be freer and more spontaneous because there is enough space to be so. I need to lose some weight in the information diet and eat more healthily.

In my prayers Wednesday morning I read this. It hit me deeply because Iris and I were talking about this exact area of our lives only 10 hours earlier.

It is so easy to get caught up
with the trappings of wealth in this life.
Grant, O Lord, that I may be free
from greed and selfishness.
Remind me that the best things in life are free.
Love, laughter, caring and sharing.

feeling lighter and spacious

The last few days I've found new energy and my internal space you might say my psyche feels lighter and more spacious. It's the product I believe in God's intervention in my life, physical health in the medical and dental treatments, mental and emotional in the counseling, in the spiritual with my director, and the external spatial in beginning to clear up and get rid of stuff.

Today I had to help Auntie Mary, in her frailty. Finally I and her Veteran Affairs Canada counselor met with her together and got her to agree to accept help. But it's not that the help isn't there for her. I've talked at length with her, the VAC counselor, the community care counselor, and even there's the Neighbourhood Link social worker in the background. Today I started opening her mail and sorting her financial documents out. In that moment I realized I had the energy to face my own problems of organization. I am being changed through the experience of helping, serving, and realizing I don't want to be this cluttered and unable to cope. I found uncashed expired cheques and unpaid bills etc. After three and a half hours I cleared one chair and one third of the table. There's a long way to go but we've begun the journey.

Note a video posting

I've posted a video on my other blog. It's beautiful piece from Julian LLoyd Webber. (here)

Message in a Bottle

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw, Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore, Seems I'm not alone in being alone, Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home. Sting

Karen Liebreich wrote a book called The Letter in the Bottle which was about her unsuccessful search for the mother who wrote a heart-rending letter found washed up in a bottle off the Kent coast. Karen tried every route possible to track down the author and got all the science and pseudoscience she could. I came across the story in The Daily Telegraph because after the book was published, the woman who had written the sad letter to her deceased son came forward. It had taken her 21 years to face down the grief of loss and throwing his clothes into the ocean, together with 2 lilies and the bottle with the letter.

Liebreich gives us details of this woman's story:

The bottle was my idea. I already knew that I needed to do something to let him go and I had thought of a letter in a bottle – why not. The whole thing was triggered by a dream, the dream that I mentioned in the letter. I had a beautiful dream about Maurice and I finally understood that it was time to let him go.

The past haunts and handicaps us. Then it is time to let go and move forwards when we understand.

I'm not Catholic, though my family was. And of course I was very angry with Him. There is some kind of superior energy, a cosmic force, and I was furious with Him. Today I am once again happy to be alive...

We all have unfinished business because we are works in progress. Somehow I feel this particular work in progress has begun a signficant time of letting go. A letting go of pain and therefore a chance to gain. I have a feeling of release these days and somehow after what seems a long time can can say I'm happy to be alive.
(If you're interested in the article it's here)

Pay it Forward

You don't pay love back; you pay it forward. Lily Hardy Hammond In the Garden of Delight

Why do we do things for other people? Perhaps we do it for a return or for the feel good factor. Few of us are like philanthropists giving fortunes away like Charles Saatchi of the Advertising company who has just given away a complete art collection and museum to go with it and doesn't want it named after him. So why do we do things for other people. I've just found that Jane Siberry, a Canadian singer who I've known about for a while, has made her complete music catalogue available on the internet [here]. I'm surprised in this world of copyright and intellectual property and possessing stuff to find this generosity. (Note there's a lot of traffic and you'll have to try quite a few times to grab a file before succeeeding.)

On the webpage she says free, enjoy and pay it forward. What is pay it forward? Wikipedia says ""pay it forward" is used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead." In other words pay back is never to the giver but to someone else. Strangely I think I've been living a bit that way. I do stuff for people with the hope they'll learn to help others. There's been a number of interesting spinoffs recorded in Wikipedia including a project from the Oprah Winfry Show, but what they fail to address the the fundamental motivation and the value behind the giving. I believe pay it forward contains a wish to change the world's values.

This is not that different to altruism where someone sacrifices their own life to protect the lives of others. Though Richard Dawkin's would probably want to put a different twist to this especially to die or sacrifice for your kin or family but at the core of the Christian faith is one of sacrifice for strangers and the estranged i.e. those far away. Postmodern philosopher Derrida struggled with the idea of the gift as unconditional, perhaps even grace as unconditional is a problem because it always carrys with it a call to pay it forward. This is so true if we take seriously the parable of forgiven debts.

I said you did not have to pay back a cent. Don't you think you should show pity to someone else, as I did to you? Matt 18:32-33

Peace and Shalom

To see a world in a grain of sand. And a heaven in a wild flower. Hold infinity in the palm of your hand. And eternity in an hour William Blake Auguries of Innocence

Cycling downtown and down St George, past three groups of 20 or so police on bikes and the sounds of helicopters flying overhead. As I neared church I saw two people sat on the curb side their hands tied behind their backs, surrounded by police I had no sense of the presence of God. More so I felt this was a war zone a place of the absence of God - a place of violence. What had happened to the familiar and the peace of the city?

I had my dental surgery on Thursday and recovered quite quickly I was fully conscious and alert after 2 hours unlike last time which was more the following day. There has been a greater sense of peace and hope in me. Even as I deal with gum infections - note that I'm taking a cocktail of both Penicillin and Azithromycin but I've stopped needing my pain killers - I hope things are getting better. Certainly my body seems to be more at peace. Also I've also started taking Crestor, a Statin for cholesterol reduction, and baby Aspirin for heart disease prevention. Also to lower my sodium and my high blood pressure I'm changing my diet. Perhaps Shalom-peace when everything works as it should. At the moment my body needs a lot of help but hoping that I will stablize at a better health level.

On iTunes I discovered the PBS podcast series "Take One Step for A Healthy Heart" a very interesting series and as I completed Andrew Weil's Healthy Aging I am planning to make signficant changes in diet and eating habits. Even drinking more green tea on top of my normal tea drinking, brushing my teeth more often, flossing more and rinsing with antimicrobial mouth wash. In the moment my mind and spirit I feel are less anxious and I'm waking without my jaw being tense.

I can say that vision and reasons have changed within me. God seems to have spoken, called through the one I love and now I find myself seeking for health and lingering less on pain... rather looking for eternity in the hour, to the glimpse of glory and finding it. She once wrote "your heart is within me" and although she is far away I'm drinking out of that cup called hope. (literally the mug she left behind) and finding her heart within me in the peace that only God can give.

Earthquake

Toronto had a 5.5 earthquake this afternoon. I felt the house shaking and went into the kitchen to make sure the shelves there didn't fall over. We survived but the whole house shook for quite a few seconds. It's about 16-17 years since the last I can remember but this one was much bigger and longer.

Life has been a number of upheavals. My life is changing with the proposal, worries about the future, then another feeling of God's provision. Today I saw her off at the airport not sure of the future but with more hope than before. Tomorrow I'm off to the dentist again to sort out tooth pain with a root canal.

I've been thinking about the relationship of Faith to Hope or perhaps Hope to Faith. Augustine asserts "The fact that we do not see either what we believe or what we hope for, is all that is common to faith and hope. ... [but] there is no love without hope, no hope without love, and neither love nor hope without faith." I cannot hope without faith that God is at work with us. But as I see it hope is rooted in an authentic relationship, one that is loving. While this is not an earth shatteringly intellectual idea, it is quite a personal realization when I think about the distance between us, i.e. Korean - Canada. But also faith that God, who we believe brought us together, will do it again soon.

A song from the Korean drama Stairway to Heaven called Bogoshipda 보고싶다 translated means I miss you. Iris I miss you. I'm hoping and believing in your return.

Something similar

Iris and I were encouraged by this recently, Celine Dion's story.

Choose love

How can we choose love when we have experienced so little of it? We choose love by taking small steps of love every time there is an opportunity. A smile, a handshake, a word of encouragement, [etc] ... Each step is like a candle burning in the night. It does not take the darkness away, but it guides us through the darkness. When we look back .... we will discover that we have made a long and beautiful journey. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I still am experiencing jaw pain both on the right side and left side but perhaps the causes are different. I'm pretty sure the right is due to tmj and grinding my teeth. But the left seems to be in the zone where the tooth extraction took place and maybe I have an infection as the gum is sore to the touch. When I feel the touch of sympathy or feel the loving frustration of being unable to do anything, I can either stay mired in the pain or choose love. When she is in pain with her back I can remain self-focused or choose to be other-focused in love.

God is love. Not God has love but God is love. This could be a philosophical statement that God in essence is love or God as transcendental defines all loves. But I'd like to think every human relationship has the potential to include God and be loving. To choose Love is to choose to include God. Iris and I pray that God will remain the centre of our relationship.

The National Gallery

I don't know whether I'll regret the action but I did it. We'd already walked through a lot of Canadian art works and went into the European section. There was a surprisingly good collection of French Impressionists and there it was on the wall. My favourite artist Vincent Van Gogh and one of his many Iris paintings and the perfect moment.

I took out of my coin purse a piece of aluminium foil and gave it to her. She thought it was a piece of chocolate but it wasn't. I've been working on this tagua nut carved ring for about 1 month and carved an iris adding a yellow zirconia in the centre. What the future holds I really don't know but my prayer, infact our prayers that God willing we'll come together soon and endeavour to spend our livres together until death do us part.

I knelt down by her watched, by security, in the shadow of the painting which now has special sigificance for us both. And she said yes without hesitation or pause for breath, twice.

Givenness

We have been given a God who not only allows us to make mistakes, but even uses our mistakes in our favor! Such a pattern becomes obvious in the ministry of Jesus. Joy is what happens when you suddenly find an excess of life and a surplus of love within yourself! ... Any system of measuring and weighing does not give joy, just order and predictability. Never confuse a well-oiled machine with the joyous wedding banquet that Jesus uses as his most common metaphor for eternity. Sadly some people prefer machines to parties. (adapted from Richard Rohr Things Hidden:Scripture as Spirituality)

Life takes unimaginable twists and turns. Health incidents over the last year, situations and words which seemingly have conspired against us, and mistakes which need redemption. My spiritual director sent me this piece adapted from Richard Rohr's book. In this current season in my life I am learning about the duality of life - that life is never merely about either being happy or sad. Rather life is frequently tinged with both ecstasy and agony. I am reminded of a reflection I read written by CS Lewis. He was sitting in a dark garden shed and looking at the beam of light coming into the darkness from a crack in the door. The light can only be seen because of the dust particles in the air and only because the immediate circumstances are darkness. In all of life we need faith and hope but when it all boils down it is love we are looking for. God gives himself to us and it is he who is love itself.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13