Stress and Strain of feeding

Another week has gone by. Now I'm trying to squeeze a visit to the hospital each day. Aunt Mary is improving - sitting up in bed and feeding herself. But she is picky and not eating anywhere enough food. Tonight I asked the nursing station to order 2 puddings preferably chocolate. The trouble is no-one has enough time to note how much food she is actually eating. Half a cup of turnip perhaps a few small pieces of meat, 1 tablespoon of mashed potato some juice, and a pudding is not enough. The trouble is chewing and swallowing demands too much effort for her. But she also has no appetite except for good tasting food. So I had to mix margarine and black pepper with the turnip and she was more willing to eat a little more.

Somehow this applies to all aspects of the human person. Not just physical food. What is spiritual nutrition? There is meditative prayer which is a human actively engaged and which requires effort but as Teresa of Avila points out this requires great effort. I do believe we need to to really cultivate the "be still and know" type of prayer. Contemplative prayer requires active passivity and in many ways it is a receiving. Neuroscience has already noted that when we gain insight our brain chemistry changes and hormones are released. I think we could say that insights gained from sitting with God in contemplative prayer are the spices and flavourings which can encourage us to take care of our nutritional needs more fully.

Dealing with the past

I'm doing a lot of logotherapy - reading to work on issues in my life. Counseling and spiritual direction have really helped to bring into the open my life history and events in the past which have sucked life out of me. This book out of the library turned out quite important.

The Secrets of the Bulletproof Spirit: How to Bounce Back from Life's Hardest Hits by Azim Khamisa

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book is difficult to categorize. It's definitely not theology but has a lot to say in the area of spirituality and even relevance to the Christian believer. It's not psychology but it speaks to a person's inner life and their response to emotional troubles. It's not philosophy but has a lot to say about the way we think and process life.

It's all about how can we be different so we can recover from life's tough blows. It is about resilience both emotional and spiritual.When we are hit by disappointments, losses, betrayals, and tragedies how can we bounce back afterwards or prepare for the next time. Hits in life are inevitable and we will feel them. The two authors Azim Khamisa and Jillian Quinn want to persuade us that there is deep inside each person a spirit, a spiritual core, our true self. We are not our thoughts, feelings, or emotions, nor our possessions, roles, nor abilities.

There is a lot of good and helpful stuff in the 30 supposed secrets, though I'd call them commonsense. Two key ideas caught me as spiritual commonsense but I needed to be reminded of them. First is the importance of spiritual hygiene, what I know as spiritual disciplines, which contribute to spiritual and emotional resilience. of course I looked at that in terms of spiritual growth but not in terms of resiliency the ability to recover more quickly. Another which seemed logical not to deny my desires but to accept them (when wholesome) and yet to be detached from whether they are in fact met or not. Profound, simple, and very logical but important when life disappoints and dreams don't happen.



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information overload or obesity

...the average American on an average day, who consumes 34 gigabytes and 100,000 words of information Roger Bohn How Much Information? 2009 Report on American Consumers

I started reading a blogger running a site called infovegan. I was challenged because he was thinking about the consumption of information like food and calories. Rather than having the weight oppressing us, we are consumers of information and can become obese. The solution is a balanced diet. Many of his ideas originate from some research at the University of California by Roger Bohn (here). I think infovegan deductions are based on the fact that around 41 percent of information time is watching TV (including DVDs, recorded TV and real-time watching). But he fails to acknowledge that a higher percentage of the total time is spent on computer games.

Still there some interesting helpful suggestions which I been thinking in response to my internet time and bytes consumed which is vastly larger than the average American of the research. Infovegan suggests realizing we are choosing to eat and then looking at what we're consuming.

"...if you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the information you’re consuming, ... You’re consuming too much opinion and not enough fact. ... consumption ought to be limited such that you maintain a clear mind and the ability to form your own opinions."

So what do I need to do? Well I'm trying to read more books and some fiction. I'm trying to understand how I look at the world and respond to it. I'm trying to simplify in the pursuit of simplicity so I can be freer and more spontaneous because there is enough space to be so. I need to lose some weight in the information diet and eat more healthily.

In my prayers Wednesday morning I read this. It hit me deeply because Iris and I were talking about this exact area of our lives only 10 hours earlier.

It is so easy to get caught up
with the trappings of wealth in this life.
Grant, O Lord, that I may be free
from greed and selfishness.
Remind me that the best things in life are free.
Love, laughter, caring and sharing.

More of the right stuff

Focus on acquiring abilities, not tools. Instead of buying a bunch of gadgets to help me get a job done, let’s spend more time learning the skills behind the job. Tools are just things, but skills become part of us. ... Let’s stop hoarding stuff (money, books, guarantees, etc.) in the name of “What if?” and have the courage to rely on our ability to deal with crises. artofgreatthings.com

I might not fully agree with the self-reliance theme of the blogger, but there is a grain of truth. I'm a hoarder because of anxiety and the supposed need to build a resource base. The clutter mentally, physically even emotionally and spiritually becomes a weight draining energy because I don't and never would have enough space to store it all. The time comes for choices: BIG choices. Stuff is becoming an burden. If Iris is to return, even before then I need to find the physical space by ridding myself of the millstone of stuff.

Somehow the job is to simplify reduce the stuff without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. What is core and needed? What is only clutter? The trouble is the new stack of CD's got from garage sales the last few weeks over 40. Trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. Last week I got 30 CDs for 5 dollars so I need to really clear what I'm not going to keep. Out of the piles I really wanted Celine Dion's Colour of My Love, Alicia Key's Diary of Alicia Keys, Titanic Soundtrack, Norah Jones' Feels Like Home, Santana's Supernatural to name a few key ones. But maybe I should be playing my cello more?

What makes music Spiritual or Christian?

For avowedly Christian music it [the music of Pärt] is not, perhaps, very plainly founded upon the Incarnation of the Son of God. Dale Nelson

I've been thinking again about an episode a few years ago when some Arvo Pärt music was used because he was a Christian. Pärt's music has a sense of silence, of stillness and therefore of course can provide a setting but dangerously this can be merely utilitarian muzak like elevator or supermarket background music. I read an interesting article which contrasted Bach and Part. Bach wrote, “In a reverent performance of music God is always present with His grace” however his understanding is very much a verbal one. Yet perhaps the key observation from Dale Nelson is Bach wrote music for the church, while Pärt mostly writes for the concert hall. Very different contexts and very different reasons for writing.

Much of modern contemporary worship is performative rather unitive. Performed from the front and self-reflective there a danger of the personal worship album as a collection of personal songs is being used supposedly to unite people. What was the reason for writing the song and what was the setting intended?

I read that CS Lewis once heard a Zulu war song and thought it was “wistful and gentle” and consequently wondered whether music was really a universal language. However when we use music we should use it self-consciously making clear theological decisions. Why are we using this? Are we using it with some sense of integrity and understanding or merely as wallpaper?

It's not a bargain if you don't need it!

People use equipment as a crutch. They don't want to put in the hours ... They're looking for a shortcut. But you just don't need the the best gear to be good ... content is what matters. You can spend tons on fancy equipment, but if you've got nothing to say... well, you've got nothing to say. Jason Fried, David Heinemeier Hansson Rework

Of course this is true but how many of us live this way nowadays. We look for the shortcut, the path of least resistance. I confess I have but that is not always the healthiest way to go. The product whether it's something I say , do , play, present, or simply make will be shallow lacking purpose and challenge. I don't want to live that way. Living out faith for me is to express and create something anew. My counsellor noted the importance of the personal insight, literally the "Aha" moment. He's right for I live for the moment when it all comes together, the pieces become one thing: when the collection of ideas or bits I've collected cohere together. Do we actually have anything meaningful to say unless we put the work in? That means spending enough time, being sufficiently open to what God would have to say to each one of us.

Brokenness and need

The picture describes how I feel this morning. My back has gone again. After a good few years of freedom, it's happened again. The old injury has reasserted itself and the pinched nerve pain is back. This morning it took me 5 minutes to roll around trying to find a position so I could get up out of bed, without shooting pains. I feel so frustrated but successfully got to the bathroom. I felt so insecure needing to use wall doors etc to help me walk, or even move.

Back pain is a major problem yet the pain in the legs and backside aren't where the problem is. The ache is referred from a pinched nerve in my back. The shooting pains are, I think, linked to the nerve and muscles which tense trying to protect me. Yet because of the tension I have no back strength to move rather generate more pain when I move.

I have reached that situation where I'm really struggling and pure will power is not enough. About 10 days ago, Iris smiled in a situation where I bit off more than I could chew and told me that she felt good because I needed her. She's an international who came to help me. I must remember that in my ability to serve and help that I must also learn to receive. For some it is vice versa, but for me it is to allow others to help me in my need. For some it is the spiritual discipline of service, perhaps others it is the spiritual discipline of discipline of being served. For me often my identity is based in what I do or can do, yet true relationship has some aspect of reciprocity, on a human to human level this should be mutuality. But on the divine to human level we encounter something very different. We serve and yet we are also served.

In this time I'm struggling. I have to be open to being served with all the implications that are involved.

Clearing up and old jobs

Well I'm still clearing up and tackling old jobs. These 3 chairs I recovered from the garbage probably 5 years ago. The cane in the seats was broken. I can tell you which street and which section of the street I got them. They like many of my other folding chairs are like family. Anyhow I finally bought the materials, researched on the internet the relevant information and started the first. I made a few mistakes on the first and broke a few strands. On the second I broke fewer strands however number three I broke none. I discovered that you have to push the strands of cane towards the slot and then downwards. Important information not covered in anything I'd read before.

There is no substitute for experience: Whether practical skills of repairing chairs or the spiritual life. I know my understanding comes from the practice, from the struggles and from rising above the difficulties. At the moment I have to make clearing up a spiritual discipline because the disorder is affecting my own mental, emotional and spiritual state.

Declutter and clean up

You're a very busy packrat - you don't enjoy living among clutter, but you're just too busy to deal with it. You can't delegate the job to someone else you're the only one who knows what needs to stay and what can go. Swamped Stockpiler Kijiji declutter day

kijiji has declared today National Cleanup Day in the US. Doing the quiz I confirmed that I am 'swamped stockpiler' and the description is highly accurate. I'm however a slightly happier one. After a really difficult September and October, I finally met with my spiritual director after a 5 month break as she was traveling extensively. I do believe I 'm a bit depressed and probably Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) though normally this doesn't happen until February. But this summer was pretty rainy and a lot of other things this Fall have compounded things to make life pretty difficult and definitely dark for me.

Strange though once you know you're a bit depressed things are a little better because I found I wasn't living in the emotion as much. Also I had quite a few of the symptoms:

• A change in appetite, especially a craving for sweet or starchy foods
• A drop in energy level
• Fatigue
• A struggle to go to bed and a tendency to oversleep
• Difficulty concentrating
• Irritability and anxiety
• Increased sensitivity to social rejection
• Avoidance of social situations and a loss of interest in the activities you used to enjoy

Anyhow I've increased my meat intake and I'm eating more spicy food. I also noticed how dark my apartment was because I hadn't replaced burnt out light bulbs. I bought one daylight full spectrum bulb for the light fixture above my desk where I spend 90% of my awake time at home. I feel a little better but this maybe placebo effect, anyhow I probably need even more of those special light bulbs.

Bill Hybels wrote the book with a classic title Too busy not to pray. I know to my cost that getting the praying bit right is important and got back to journaling in October, and Spiritual Direction this past week. The prayer life of a person or a community is a thermometer of health. The individual's personal time with God and communal time with others. With the latter I am not merely talking about corporate sunday worship, nor fellowship but the need for another human being who listens and prays with us. I am currently mourning the loss of my Tuesday evening biweekly prayer meeting and at the same time pleased to have my spiritual director back.

Today I struggle again to clean up, to assert order in the aspects of my life. To bring light back into the dark corners. Back into the fray called life.

Remember him [Your creator]—before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, or the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Everything is meaningless! Ecclesiastes 12:6-8

health and health

It's the curse of modern life. We eat too much and don't take enough exercise to burn off the calories. ... If this trend continues, by 2050 nine out of 10 adults and two thirds of all children will be overweight or obese. ... Obesity is the biggest health challenge we face. British Health secretary Alan Johnson

Over 2.4 million Canadians suffer from diabetes and up to six million more have prediabetes. If not treated one quarter of the six million will have diabetes within three to five years. In the UK it is predicted that by 2050 , 90 percent of adults will be obese. Physical health is linked to spiritual health. Laziness is both a physical and a spiritual one. Spiritual gluttony and physical gluttony are real problems, in fact sin.

In an earlier posting I pointed to John Cassian who mentioned gluttony as a problem for monks but spiritual gluttony is also an issue. St. John of the Cross, in The Dark Night of the Soul tackles spiritual gluttony. He explains that it is the disposition of those who, in prayer and other faith acts are always in search of sweetness, which we might call the emotional high. Spiritual gluttony occurs when people do spiritual or religious things because of some consolation or delight they get from the activity and so the pleasure becomes the end of the action instead of God. The greatest issue comes with novelty and newer is better thinking because the assumption is that the new thing gives more pleasure than the old.

There is also a very real danger of spiritual obesity or spiritual diabetes for this generation. In the obsession of worship and prayer with emotional highs and pleasure and it's associative newer is better we are in danger of being consumed by our own sugaryness. Richard Foster suggests in Freedom of Simplicity rather than going into worship in a place one rather should bring worship into life. "Have you ever tried to live out your day so that you fill each moment with the thought of God? I do not mean you cease normal activity. Oh No! Just the opposite. bring God into each activity, infusing it with divine Light." We need to take both our physical and spiritual lives seriously. Even eating can become a spiritual activity, one of worship.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sister, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Rom 12:1

Packrat or Hoarder?

I follow a couple of key sites which keep me uptodate with a lot of things. I'm a great fan of Lifehacker.com which introduced me to a few special deals and offers available. Some of my productivity tools were introduced to me through their entries. Check off is a todolist which syncs with my iPod. Google calendar synced with iCal which in turn also syncs with my iPod but also Using Pagepacker I produce a tiny little booklet based on one sheet of paper which includes my weekly events plus monthly calendars, a quick phone book and a myriad of productivity sheets.

Today I was reading my other favourite Apartmenttherapy.com. A post called help my husband is a packrat caught my attention. Of course I had to read the appeal for help and the 23 comments/advice. I know I'm a packrat because it's genetic - all my uncles and aunts are and most of my cousins are too. I hope this isn't libelous. Well thats until I read one comment which suggested there is a difference between packrats and hoarders.

Packrats [and those hoarders who don't have severe illness]can sometimes be convinced to sort and store their possessions in an organized fashion, as long as they don't have to get rid of their stuff. ... An organized hoarder or packrat is someone I could negotiate with, but dirty habits (unwillingness to throw away real garbage) are issues that ultimately ruin relationships. I hope yours is just a hygenic packrat!

Now I'm not sure whether I'm packrat or hoarder. I hate waste and things thrown away. The borderline is when someone's garbage is really your treasure or is it still garbage. I can get rid of things and give things away. In fact I collect things like bikes to give away and collects things towards projects in the future. But the problem is When am I really collecting garbage? For example my computer monitor speakers came out of the garbage. Well actually the last 3 sets have. The best set are a pair of Roland MA8's which work perfectly and have real depth and clarity but I have given away numerous sets rather than hoarded them.

But as a new immigrant I do have hoarder tendencies. With the recession round the corner these tendencies are likely to become more pronounced. I'm pleased that I can ride pass interesting things on the curbside and also turndown certain offers. I have started casting an eye over things regarding quality, value, usability, and condition as part of the consideration but it's still difficult.

Living life more simply has it's challenges and whether it is packrat or hoarder they are real challenges. It's not the collecting, rather whether we use them. "Packrats that collect or hoard for no good reason might need therapy. Packrats that collect for love or investment or other real reasons may need a reality check or storage or organization help, but it doesn't automatically make them mentally ill."

I wonder about our spiritual practices. There can be a danger that we simply collect them and do them and they fail to lead to good habits and ultimately virtuous living. They are the ends rather than the means to an end. In a review of authors lists of spiritual disciplines which I did, I was surprised to see journalling in several lists. I recall reading something by Kenneth Leech author of the classic Soul Friend. In the article, he critiqued the idea that spiritual direction should become a profession and also the idea that journalling is a spiritual discipline. I'm inclined to agree with his issues especially as journalling becomes a discipline instead of one method or a device to aid the Examen, which is a review of the presence and absence of God in daily, weekly and monthly life. The device has become the end not even the means which is concerned with the Spirit.

This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. Zechariah 4:6

Opinions and authenticity

Do you remember the James, Brother of Jesus Ossuary box? It did a bit of a world tour! It was proclaimed as a first century a limestone bone box that could have contained the bones of James, the brother of Jesus. On one side of the ossuary was carved “James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus.” We have to note all these names are common James (Jacob), Joseph and Jesus (Joshua) were all fairly common among Jews at the turn of the era.

Then the Israel Antiquities Authority (IAA) appointed a panel by a unanimous vote claimed that it was forgery, something faked. Now some 5 years later it finally came to trial in Israel and now we find there is original ancient patina in the word Jesus and that it wasn't an unanimous vote. Firstly several simply did not vote , they abstained and others voted on the basis of another scientist's expertise which they did not have the skills to assess. The verdict is still out but the accusation of forgery is much weaker.

Authenticity is something very precious but at the end of the day it's based on evidence and opinions. It is provisional awaited better evidence or refuting evidence and even then it remains opinions. There is a lot of taste and see to it all.

I'm currently rereading Richard Foster's Freedom of Simplicity and today it seems a very different book to that which I read over 20 years ago and even 5 years ago. It tastes very different because I'm different. I am searching for simplicity, order out of my personal chaos. The insights are much sweeter and more sour. Avoiding living a legalism and not confusing poverty and simplicity. Perhaps a significant thought from it is this -

God is not the author of confusion ... when we live out of the divine Center, thoughts and decisions flow from the Fountainhead ... We will have no need to reverse our decision if the winds of opinion change, for we have spoken out of a deeper reality than the latest Gallup poll.

It's a matter of having God at the centre and being attentive. It is less "God coming into us to our coming into God." Whether a life lived in attentiveness to God is good and satisfying eventually boils down to opinions. But these opinions need to be rooted in personal validation.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the person who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8