Persuading or inviting

Before Christmas I went on some training about invitation and recently revisited a book on encouragement. These have forced some thoughts on persuasion and methods.

Dr Robert Cialdini is a scholar in persuasion and marketing. In his work he lists six “weapons of influence”:

• Reciprocation - People tend to want to return a favor.
• Commitment and Consistency - If people make a commitment to something, verbally or in writing, they tend to keep it.
• Social Proof - People will do things when they see other people doing it.
• Authority - Even with uncomfortable action, people will tend to obey authority figures.
• Liking - People are easily persuaded by other people that they like.
• Scarcity - A perceived scarcity will generate demand for something.

Something I found in Neuro-linguistic Programing, which has very similar ends to influence people, was rapport. There seem to be key ways to establish rapport such as mirroring the body position and language of the other person. Similarly this is also done in the verbal language. In matching the other person's model of the world/worldview, and in conversation matching the scale of information being exchanged. if the other person works with large categories or large chunks of information then working on that scale will establish rapport and therefore influence. If the person works on the detailed level or micro chunks, then conversing on the large chunk level will necessarily fail. However get on the right level and rapport being established influence is possible.

The trouble is where does manipulation and brainwashing start and the sharing of a great idea or belief? So when is it inviting, influencing, persuading, or brain washing? Not easy... That's why we need ethics.

One relation and another

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. ... It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

One relation offers much hope and yet another can cause so much pain and perhaps Nouwen's insight is very deep for me because when I do seek to offer some of God's love to others there are risks. The last few weeks have been a combination of being very heavy and feeling unable to move and also being carried by her. We need people who can offer and be with us in moments of sorrow. The danger has been that I'd forgotten or not realized this truth of the other wanting to possess. But now things have changed and must also change deeper down.