Dealing with the past

I'm doing a lot of logotherapy - reading to work on issues in my life. Counseling and spiritual direction have really helped to bring into the open my life history and events in the past which have sucked life out of me. This book out of the library turned out quite important.

The Secrets of the Bulletproof Spirit: How to Bounce Back from Life's Hardest Hits by Azim Khamisa

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book is difficult to categorize. It's definitely not theology but has a lot to say in the area of spirituality and even relevance to the Christian believer. It's not psychology but it speaks to a person's inner life and their response to emotional troubles. It's not philosophy but has a lot to say about the way we think and process life.

It's all about how can we be different so we can recover from life's tough blows. It is about resilience both emotional and spiritual.When we are hit by disappointments, losses, betrayals, and tragedies how can we bounce back afterwards or prepare for the next time. Hits in life are inevitable and we will feel them. The two authors Azim Khamisa and Jillian Quinn want to persuade us that there is deep inside each person a spirit, a spiritual core, our true self. We are not our thoughts, feelings, or emotions, nor our possessions, roles, nor abilities.

There is a lot of good and helpful stuff in the 30 supposed secrets, though I'd call them commonsense. Two key ideas caught me as spiritual commonsense but I needed to be reminded of them. First is the importance of spiritual hygiene, what I know as spiritual disciplines, which contribute to spiritual and emotional resilience. of course I looked at that in terms of spiritual growth but not in terms of resiliency the ability to recover more quickly. Another which seemed logical not to deny my desires but to accept them (when wholesome) and yet to be detached from whether they are in fact met or not. Profound, simple, and very logical but important when life disappoints and dreams don't happen.



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Achieving techno-literacy or being a good beginner

Before you can master a device, program or invention, it will be superseded; you will always be a beginner. Get good at it. Kevin Kelly New York Times

This is probably the longest title for one of my blog entries. My boss told me today to clear the voice message box on my cell. Strangely I have no idea even how to access the box yet alone empty it. The trouble is most of the time we're surviving with tech toys because it is obsolete the moment we get it. But my argument here is he wants me to learn how to use something he wants to use but I don't want! Ignorance is bliss it is stress removing. Kevin Kelly author of an article in the New York Times has made me think more deeply about this.

We don’t need expertise with every invention; that is not only impossible, it’s not very useful. Rather, we need to be literate in the complexities of technology in general, as if it were a second nature.

It's not a matter of proficiency because we become slaves of the machine or we suffer loss because we operate how the technology wants us to use it. It is a matter of literacy so we can puzzle things out and how to do things the way we want to. The trouble is I'm late arrival on cell phones having been a user for less than 2 years. I'm happily ignorant. But ask me how to get something working or recover something that used to work and doesn't work now on one of my computers and generally I am pretty successful. Email is my preferred dimension of communication. Why because I am not oppressed by it. I can choose to deal with it or ignore it for a time. It does not control me. I like texting because it's the same but I'm slow because the multi buttons and intelligent or at least semi-intelligent input troubles me because it is counter intuitive.

Kevin Kelly writes further wisdom -

Every new technology will bite back. The more powerful its gifts, the more powerfully it can be abused. Look for its costs.

For me it is the cost is the tyranny of the urgent. The phone back home cost per call so no-one simply called for a time-wasting chat because every second cost money. But the phone and cell-phone put us in the urgent deal-with-me-now situation applying a lot of pressure.

Well how does this apply to the spiritual life? Internet addiction, crackberry habit, the desperate need to keep up with other so-called friends reveals something important. So how many Facebook friends do you have? Does that friend include God? How do I measure that friendship.

I believe, like media literacy, the development of techno literacy as critical thinking is important. We need to decide, make judgments as to what is really important. Sometimes I will use technology and devices in my devotional life, but more often than not I use paper books, pens and a nice paper journal to facilitate my time with God. Why? Because I remove the tyranny of the urgent by using slower tools and in that moment I gain freedom.

The older the technology, the more likely it will continue to be useful. Kevin Kelly

information overload or obesity

...the average American on an average day, who consumes 34 gigabytes and 100,000 words of information Roger Bohn How Much Information? 2009 Report on American Consumers

I started reading a blogger running a site called infovegan. I was challenged because he was thinking about the consumption of information like food and calories. Rather than having the weight oppressing us, we are consumers of information and can become obese. The solution is a balanced diet. Many of his ideas originate from some research at the University of California by Roger Bohn (here). I think infovegan deductions are based on the fact that around 41 percent of information time is watching TV (including DVDs, recorded TV and real-time watching). But he fails to acknowledge that a higher percentage of the total time is spent on computer games.

Still there some interesting helpful suggestions which I been thinking in response to my internet time and bytes consumed which is vastly larger than the average American of the research. Infovegan suggests realizing we are choosing to eat and then looking at what we're consuming.

"...if you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the information you’re consuming, ... You’re consuming too much opinion and not enough fact. ... consumption ought to be limited such that you maintain a clear mind and the ability to form your own opinions."

So what do I need to do? Well I'm trying to read more books and some fiction. I'm trying to understand how I look at the world and respond to it. I'm trying to simplify in the pursuit of simplicity so I can be freer and more spontaneous because there is enough space to be so. I need to lose some weight in the information diet and eat more healthily.

In my prayers Wednesday morning I read this. It hit me deeply because Iris and I were talking about this exact area of our lives only 10 hours earlier.

It is so easy to get caught up
with the trappings of wealth in this life.
Grant, O Lord, that I may be free
from greed and selfishness.
Remind me that the best things in life are free.
Love, laughter, caring and sharing.

labels - help or hinder

I've nearly completed the sift, sort and dispose sequence in the my CD collection there are over 120 CD in the dispose. Just people I'm never really going to listen to yet in my keep boxes are close to 300 CDs, excluding the 100 or so still on shelves. I started trying to make up playlists so that I can categorize them for playing and reasons for playing. Trying work out what category to file some of my stuff is really difficult. I got scared when I found some of my stuff was described as shoegaze! Is that a musical style? I'm happier with the label of postrock but what does it really mean.

I have bands such as Sigur Rós, Labradford, Japancakes, Channel Light Vessel etc. They are a rock version (or postrock version) of Philip Glass a classical minimalist composer. The music is extremely repetitive with slight variation and modulations. It is these changes which create the interest as the patterns change and morph. Add to the fact the speeds are slower and there is a lot of reverb to create a huge ambiance, we are talking about a genre nesting between chill, minimalism and meditation.

The Bible talks about vain repetition in praying and perhaps this also applies to worship but the issue is this. Whether the nuanced changes and variations create something which rather than being vain is a gentle route lifting us to the ecstatic moment where everything disappears and God is God. The liturgical chants of the Orthodox churches and liturgical monasticism especially made popular in Taizé provides this. I remember a teenager saying once of her first Taizé worship experience, who needs drugs, when there is this experience.

But there is a dark side. Friday I was reading about the Danger Mouse/SparkleHorse project Dark Night of The Soul. I've been aware of Danger Mouse in looking at concepts of copyright in the remix culture and the "Grey Album" a remix of the Beatles White Album and the Jay-Z's Black Album. He is part of the better known Gnarls Barkley.

Well Dark Night was first delayed by legal wrangles but deeply marred by the suicides of co-creator Mark Linkous/Sparklehorse and contributor Vic Chesnutt. This recent album carries some heavy baggage which I hope to listen to soon. I wonder about whether a heavenward moment and a hellish moment are possible. Of course I think yes. In my sorting I had to decide whether to keep The Tear Garden's To Be An Angel Blind, The Crippled Soul Divide. I kept it because it is an authentic reflection of one side of human emotions, the darker side.

A Gift

I got a parcel from Korea. In it was a book of Sting's poems. NB I said poems and not songs.

Of course they're the lyrics from decades of writing, but reading through the book I was separated from the music to appreciate the beauty of mere words. Sting describes it as being like separating a mannequin from the clothes it is wearing. The dummy is naked and there is a pile of cloth on the floor. The words stripped of their dependence on music are exposed to human examination.

When you're down and they're counting
When your secrets all found out
When your troubles take to mounting
When the map you have leads you to doubt
When there's no information
And the compass turns to nowhere that you know well

Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well

I'm rereading what might a controversial book Dance of the Selves by a transpersonal psychologist within a Jungian understanding of the human personality as both male/logic/animus and female/intuition/anima. Loretta Ferrier basically posits we need both the male and female aspects of us to work together for us to be truly effective and maybe I might use the word healthy. She see that the feminine intuition is the visionary and guide, but unless the masculine logic is there then dreams remain dreams. If there is only the the male aspect then things might be orderly tidy but stale and locked into often unhealthy patterns of living. An interesting book with perhaps some kernels of truth to open ourselves to ourselves, but with some caution and care.

Where does this leave me? Thoughts about what happens in the crises of life. Medieval Christian spirituality adopted a view point from Aristotle, namely knowledge of self was knowledge of God. Here Ferrier offers a guide to better mental/emotional health through knowledge of self and I think is helpful but only when kept in the light of God i.e. illuminated by God. In Christian terms we do not merely need to change and grow in faith but also we need to know something of the old self because the old self will return and cause trouble. Regeneration or sanctification are processes.

More dimensions part 2

Reading appears passive because it takes place in a chair, on a bed, at the beach, in the tub, etc. Reading is action, exercise demanding strength of mind. Amy King Start A Revolution: Read this Book

I came across a longer quotation from Amy King which helped me understand more about the difference between books and film. Reading requires effort "working the imagination in to a sweat and, by default, developing other difficult-to-discuss human attributes like empathy and conscience." I don't think she is denying film or movies can have something to say and stretch our minds but her polemic is to challenge us not to be passive undiscriminating members of the crowd. I suppose her book has to go on my list of to read one day!

When it comes to reading the Bible it is not about learning stories, or being amused, or studying it to collect mere wisdom. Ideally it is about it becoming part of our worldview, developing our imagination and expectations, and changing our character to growing in empathy and conscience. The key is, I think, reading for formation and re-formation, rather than merely reading for information to be extracted.

Message in a Bottle

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw, Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore, Seems I'm not alone in being alone, Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home. Sting

Karen Liebreich wrote a book called The Letter in the Bottle which was about her unsuccessful search for the mother who wrote a heart-rending letter found washed up in a bottle off the Kent coast. Karen tried every route possible to track down the author and got all the science and pseudoscience she could. I came across the story in The Daily Telegraph because after the book was published, the woman who had written the sad letter to her deceased son came forward. It had taken her 21 years to face down the grief of loss and throwing his clothes into the ocean, together with 2 lilies and the bottle with the letter.

Liebreich gives us details of this woman's story:

The bottle was my idea. I already knew that I needed to do something to let him go and I had thought of a letter in a bottle – why not. The whole thing was triggered by a dream, the dream that I mentioned in the letter. I had a beautiful dream about Maurice and I finally understood that it was time to let him go.

The past haunts and handicaps us. Then it is time to let go and move forwards when we understand.

I'm not Catholic, though my family was. And of course I was very angry with Him. There is some kind of superior energy, a cosmic force, and I was furious with Him. Today I am once again happy to be alive...

We all have unfinished business because we are works in progress. Somehow I feel this particular work in progress has begun a signficant time of letting go. A letting go of pain and therefore a chance to gain. I have a feeling of release these days and somehow after what seems a long time can can say I'm happy to be alive.
(If you're interested in the article it's here)

Pay it Forward

You don't pay love back; you pay it forward. Lily Hardy Hammond In the Garden of Delight

Why do we do things for other people? Perhaps we do it for a return or for the feel good factor. Few of us are like philanthropists giving fortunes away like Charles Saatchi of the Advertising company who has just given away a complete art collection and museum to go with it and doesn't want it named after him. So why do we do things for other people. I've just found that Jane Siberry, a Canadian singer who I've known about for a while, has made her complete music catalogue available on the internet [here]. I'm surprised in this world of copyright and intellectual property and possessing stuff to find this generosity. (Note there's a lot of traffic and you'll have to try quite a few times to grab a file before succeeeding.)

On the webpage she says free, enjoy and pay it forward. What is pay it forward? Wikipedia says ""pay it forward" is used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead." In other words pay back is never to the giver but to someone else. Strangely I think I've been living a bit that way. I do stuff for people with the hope they'll learn to help others. There's been a number of interesting spinoffs recorded in Wikipedia including a project from the Oprah Winfry Show, but what they fail to address the the fundamental motivation and the value behind the giving. I believe pay it forward contains a wish to change the world's values.

This is not that different to altruism where someone sacrifices their own life to protect the lives of others. Though Richard Dawkin's would probably want to put a different twist to this especially to die or sacrifice for your kin or family but at the core of the Christian faith is one of sacrifice for strangers and the estranged i.e. those far away. Postmodern philosopher Derrida struggled with the idea of the gift as unconditional, perhaps even grace as unconditional is a problem because it always carrys with it a call to pay it forward. This is so true if we take seriously the parable of forgiven debts.

I said you did not have to pay back a cent. Don't you think you should show pity to someone else, as I did to you? Matt 18:32-33

The other side of life

I'm learning more about the other side of life. Mothers book hotel rooms for their sons and their girl friends so they can sleep together, I suppose. But why? If mother is comfortable with the idea why not at home? Fathers are happy for their sons to sleep with whoever they want, in fact they think it normal. Yesterday while getting my hair cut, two women were talking one recommending a certain young woman to the other's escort agency.

I realized it is possible to be so sheltered that the rest of the world, the rest of life has no reality. How am I to be in the world and not of the world?

Intimacy involves distance

Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other ... To keep the right balance ... requires hard work ... A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance ... Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, in other words being away increases love. Perhaps it would be absence helps love grow stronger. The metaphor of the dance is also good for our relationship with God, but God is not absent rather gives us space to grow, to practice good decision making and exercise good judgment and learn. We need doubt and free will to grow and we need the space to exercise both and the courage to step out into that space.

Listen

Listen to your life.
See it for the fathomless mystery it is.
In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness:
touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it
because in the last analysis all moments are key moments,
and life itself is grace. Frederick Buechner

I must continue to learn to enjoy the present moment but I still worry and anticipate or plan about the future. Can I let go at times? Even in the middle of pain, sadness and anxiety it is possible to find the hand of God at work in my life. Perhaps I live too much by desiring to see and not enough by the other senses of listening, feeling, tasting or smelling.

Love and weakness

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I'm learning that love requires vulnerability and openness. When love is exercised in strength there very different products or results to when we operate out of weakness. In weakness we need the other, in fact we recognize our need of the other when we recognize our weakness rather than strength. Life is fragile and walking in the snow might seem a beautiful thing, however when we see it as a comforting duvet in which we want to rest or sleep, life becomes fragile. A dangerous episode.

Seoul had 25 cm of snow yesterday worst snow fall for 41 years and the city ground down to a halt. The Korean determination or will power or strength of will I love but is also contains danger or risk when exercised without care.

Life and the future

Not a real picture but this is a squirrel and represents my 다람쥐. I have no idea about what the future holds ( I know what I desire but that's not inevitable!) but I can say that the roller coaster of emotions continue for me. Life involves significant changes, which I welcome and desire. I covet your prayers and many different things need to be sorted out.

But to have two senior and experienced friends/colleagues validate this journey with her and this has given us courage for the future. For we have seen God's hands in the path so far and look to the future.

Sleep calls

I am emotionally tired even exhausted. Love may be patient and kind but it demands and delivers both joy and sadness in the same moment. After far too many years she has given me courage to face the dentist albeit a sedation dentist. This is liable to be expensive but the fear is tangibly real and why I have avoided it for so long.

Love has been long in the coming some 20 years, in fact longer than when I last saw the dentist. I am happy after months of struggling with my emotions and my Christmas cactus has come into bloom to celebrate. But how can I tell those around me? It's been tough and I have leaked some information already but this is the beginning of my public declaration. Someone has truly touched my heart and brought significant changes. I am trying to keep tidy and wash dishes, cook food at home, keep up with my laundry, eat healthily and in fact have lost over 7 pounds in weight!

She has been there in all my recent moments of need. Thanks be to God.

cleaning and clearing

The cleaning has slowed down but is still happening. Now I must deal with new old things in my life. Sometimes we allow the past to shackle us and events and memories are like lead weighing us down. We need to find healing and a new space to live. I’ved loved the concept of ereignis as a philosophical idea from Heidegger. Often translated as an event, Hubert Dreyfus defined it as "things coming into themselves by belonging together." I see it as a conceptual clearing in the forest or place of meeting. I'm in that little place where you can see the sky.

Let the redeemed of the Lord say this, Those he redeemed from the land of the foe, Those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and sea Some wandered in desert wastelands Finding no way to a city where they could settle they were hungry and thirsty And their lives ebbed away. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble And he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straightway To a city where they could settle. Psalm 107: 2-8

Seeing and asking and smelling

I was talking to my neighbour because last Sunday I watched many women coming out of the local Orthodox church with a branch or handful of a green plant. I discovered that this is a tradition that comes from the time of Constantine, a Roman emperor who embraced the Christian faith giving it official status in the Empire. His mother Helen is reputed to have found the remains of the cross. St Helen took part of the wood and nails with her to Constantinople where Constantine gave orders to build at Jerusalem the Church of the Resurrection.

The temple was constructed in about ten years. St Helen did not survive until the dedication of the temple, she died in the year 327. The church was consecrated on September 13, 335. On the following day, September 14, the festal celebration of the Exaltation of the Venerable and Life-Creating Cross was established. The basil grew where the Holy Cross was found. Tradition tells that the aroma of the basil attracted Saint Helena and she ordered the workmen to dig there. Incidentally basil (βασιλικός) in Greek means kingly, royal. I feel honoured that my neighbour gave me a sprig of basil from her porch. The smell of basil took a new twist in meaning for me and so did my relationship with my neighbour.

Supposedly basil helps to promote higher states of awareness and open the heart and mind. It has an extraordinary antispasmodic action that makes it useful in the treatment of muscular cramps, all respiratory tract infection, asthma, and bronchitis. The oil possesses antiviral, anti-infectious and antibacterial properties and is uplifting and stimulating and helps chase away the blues. Perhaps I should start growing it?

Health and Dust

Day 9 of my back trouble saga. My back is getting better with no sharp pains but a ban against riding the bike and lifting heavy weights. Both I had to do for the the BBQ on Saturday, (don't tell my chiropractor). We had far more people than we first expected or planned for and had to sort out extra food. But on the day, donations made the food even greater than we needed.

I still have the dull ache in my legs but the vertigo seems less again. Somehow adversity and troubles has brought something good. With the clear up, yesterday I could have a small birthday dinner at my place which is the first in two years! It felt so good having people around the table eating.

Strangely last night, a little almond nut turned up on the floor of the kitchen. It was almost a repetition of Totoro again. This whole episode in my life can only be described as an experience of the sacred or holy. New freedom and deepening relationships as each little event contributes to the next. For example, last night Iris and Naomi were delayed for dinner, so Dickie decided to lift and remove the old stair carpet. A dust trap and also liability as it is quite frayed etc. Today as I write and reflect I am increasingly aware that perhaps my ill-health over the last few years is also related to bad air quality and dust! Of course physical, emotional and spiritual health are interlinked and this journey is headed in a good direction.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Roman 8:28

The third day

Somehow three days into my back incident and I feel like this infirmity has been a catalyst for the good. People have been helping me clear and clean and a carpet of dust is now gone. I feel a new ordering.

The strangest thing is in the anime My Neighbour Totoro the little girl Mei follows a trail of nuts left on the ground. In clearing my living room we found a hazelnut in the corner and immediately thought of Totoro. Stuff is going out the door and I am feeling new freedom. Just to keep up the momentum is important and key to moving forwards. This set back is bring movement forward in unimagined ways. But still so much left to do. In all this I am feeling blessed.

Worship and Musical miracles

Years ago I was handed a copy of Grantley Morris' In Tune with God. It quite formative because it raise my expectations about worship and music in particular. You can download a copy from here or you can listen to podcast versions (I haven't check these) here. The subtitle The Quest for Music Miracles gives a lot away. It is a study into the spiritual, the metaphysical, the supernatural, or miraculous side of worship. My lasting memory are the accounts of jubilation, the phenomenon where the singing moves beyond the sum total of the individuals singing, where supposedly the angels of heaven join in. In my current clear up I rediscovered my printed out copy and deciding to dispose of the individual printed sheets instead I found versions on the internet to store on my hard drive.

I believe I have had experiences of jubilation a number of times in my life. While they are thrilling and as a musician and worship thinker I am fascinated by the phenomenon, they are only somethings and experiences. Ultimately Christian spirituality is about falling in love with someone.

Fixing stuff but it's only repaired

Iris, one of the internationals I work with, broke her glasses. She uses contacts but uses the glasses at home. It would be crazy to buy a new pair so soon so I decided to try and fix them. There are a lot of problems given that it was the nose piece. In the end I drilled 2 very fine holes and stitched them together with copper wire. With hindsight I should have used steel wire. Anyhow the threads weren' strong enough by themselves even with epoxy. So I had to make an epoxy putty shell or cast to bridge the gap. Not a beautiful repair, but no worse than a plaster cast on your arm or leg. The trouble is the human body repairs itself and so the cast is eventually no longer needed but of course the glasses cannot.

I'm frequently troubled how many people around lack caution assuming or behaving as if things will sort themselves out. The trouble is that we are all accountable in one way or another for action or inaction. In the classic theological formulation the sins of commission and omision. War crimes tribunals do not accept the fact that "I was only following orders" as an adequate excuse. As I understand it every Israeli soldier is capable to assuming command as and when required to do so. There's a whole lot of stuff in this world that can be repaired but never really fixed. The damage has been done! Eeverything thereafter is a patched repair, something put together.