Falling in love

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything. Pedro Arrupe, S.J.

What exactly is a healthy intimacy? I am privy to deep parts of people's lives and wrote to a friend recently as we discussed the nature of love and the dimensions and different parts or forms of Love - "For me the tension is very real in loving another so deeply and feeling their experiences, that that loving doesn't cross over into falling in love. A very real risk." Pedro Arrupe I think points to a falling in love with God but there is a wider aspect to be considered.

Thanksgiving

Today I give thanks for so many things perhaps the clearing and new aspects rising in my life as I make space in the apartment. Putting in 12 hours and producing a startling meal for 120 people was a crazy journey and yet it went well. I give thanks to God for Natalie and Andrew without whom it would not have happened. For Rosanne and others who pulled everything through and worked so hard.

Probably most of all I I give thanks that I can have a sense of gratitude for life itself. Even though my vertigo has come back and my back doesn't work properly and occasionally I fall over because my balance isn't working quite right, somehow I am glad I can feel good, sometimes feel sad , feel the pain and struggles of others. Recently I learned about the struggles of others who have been deeply affected by the insensitive remarks of siblings and sense of worthlessness. Yet I had cause to learn in a recent Bible study that not are we loved by God but precious for God has put his image in/on us.

I am so tired at the moment I'm going to bed now...

Dust, Dirt and Detritus

... That is to say, you reason should not be covered up with worldly affairs, trivial thoughts, and bodily passions but should always be rising above the things of the world as much as it can. If you do this you are bound to discover all the dust, filth, and tiny motes in your house (Why? because he is light); ... In this way you are bound to find Jesus ... It is not a job for an hour or a day but for many days and year with toil and sweat of body and travail of the soul. Walter Hilton The Ladder of Perfection

I have been continuing my struggling with the spiritual discipline of cleaning and it took a new sense of meaning for me today as I read a section from Walter Hilton. He was alluding to Luke 15:8 the woman searching for a lost coin. In this cleaning physically my apartment there are spiritual and emotional struggles as well. I have to face down those things which I have kept hidden, exactly the dust, dirt and detritus of who I am. I have to exercise strong willpower and self-control and in it all finding Jesus and a way to life.

The key problem is all this cleaning seems never ending! My desk cleared and cleaned last week already has a light film of dust again. Perhaps because I'm still moving boxes and books etc around and back and forth out of my bedroom. I'm pleased with myself that I washed my bedding 9 days after getting my new mattress. Almost unheard of in a single male. That's why disciplines are so tough and yet lead to habits and eventually virtues.

Losses

Is loss necessary? Judith Viorst wrote a book I read years ago called Necessary Losses. In my own purging of my apartment I am beginning to suspect my tiredness is linked to an element of loss even though I am achieving freedom from being shackled down to all this stuff I have accumulated. I have been going to bed before 11pm which is unheard of. I think this is healthy loss still with a cost.

My boss loss his father last Sunday and went straight to the airport from the bedside. That's tough, and in that loss I remember my own father's disappearance; I returned home from a holiday to a quiet household, his body already gone. Lord Tennyson's poem Morte d'Arthur is a special piece for me because if this little piece as Arthur dying is placed in a barge and set off.

More things are wrought by prayer Than this world dreams of. Wherefore, let thy voice Rise like a fountain for me night and day. For what are men better than sheep or goats That nourish a blind life within the brain, If, knowing God, they lift not hands of prayer Both for themselves and those who call them friend?

Losses may be necessary, an inevitable part of life but that does not diminish the pain created by an absence, by the space left empty in a life. Freedom isn't everything.

Seeing and asking and smelling

I was talking to my neighbour because last Sunday I watched many women coming out of the local Orthodox church with a branch or handful of a green plant. I discovered that this is a tradition that comes from the time of Constantine, a Roman emperor who embraced the Christian faith giving it official status in the Empire. His mother Helen is reputed to have found the remains of the cross. St Helen took part of the wood and nails with her to Constantinople where Constantine gave orders to build at Jerusalem the Church of the Resurrection.

The temple was constructed in about ten years. St Helen did not survive until the dedication of the temple, she died in the year 327. The church was consecrated on September 13, 335. On the following day, September 14, the festal celebration of the Exaltation of the Venerable and Life-Creating Cross was established. The basil grew where the Holy Cross was found. Tradition tells that the aroma of the basil attracted Saint Helena and she ordered the workmen to dig there. Incidentally basil (βασιλικός) in Greek means kingly, royal. I feel honoured that my neighbour gave me a sprig of basil from her porch. The smell of basil took a new twist in meaning for me and so did my relationship with my neighbour.

Supposedly basil helps to promote higher states of awareness and open the heart and mind. It has an extraordinary antispasmodic action that makes it useful in the treatment of muscular cramps, all respiratory tract infection, asthma, and bronchitis. The oil possesses antiviral, anti-infectious and antibacterial properties and is uplifting and stimulating and helps chase away the blues. Perhaps I should start growing it?

Nothing new under the Sun

I’ve been clearing into the deeper corners of my bedroom and so much dust and stuff has been cleaned sorted or gone down the stairs and out the front door. I’m working on two file boxes of talks I gave in the period 1986-1992. A long time ago but the OHP acetates I prepared are works of art or graphic design with a wide use of colour and different fonts and images and pictures. I even hand tinted the black and white pictures!

What surprised me was the outlines of the talks were pretty similar to those now. I’m still going on about the same things. What is it they say? Preachers/teachers really only have one message? I’m beginning to think its true. Probably I’m still asking the same question “So where’s your passion?” Perhaps in deeper ways with more information but the question is still the same. Does this mean I haven't grown or changed if the issues are still the same?

Health and Dust

Day 9 of my back trouble saga. My back is getting better with no sharp pains but a ban against riding the bike and lifting heavy weights. Both I had to do for the the BBQ on Saturday, (don't tell my chiropractor). We had far more people than we first expected or planned for and had to sort out extra food. But on the day, donations made the food even greater than we needed.

I still have the dull ache in my legs but the vertigo seems less again. Somehow adversity and troubles has brought something good. With the clear up, yesterday I could have a small birthday dinner at my place which is the first in two years! It felt so good having people around the table eating.

Strangely last night, a little almond nut turned up on the floor of the kitchen. It was almost a repetition of Totoro again. This whole episode in my life can only be described as an experience of the sacred or holy. New freedom and deepening relationships as each little event contributes to the next. For example, last night Iris and Naomi were delayed for dinner, so Dickie decided to lift and remove the old stair carpet. A dust trap and also liability as it is quite frayed etc. Today as I write and reflect I am increasingly aware that perhaps my ill-health over the last few years is also related to bad air quality and dust! Of course physical, emotional and spiritual health are interlinked and this journey is headed in a good direction.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Roman 8:28

The third day

Somehow three days into my back incident and I feel like this infirmity has been a catalyst for the good. People have been helping me clear and clean and a carpet of dust is now gone. I feel a new ordering.

The strangest thing is in the anime My Neighbour Totoro the little girl Mei follows a trail of nuts left on the ground. In clearing my living room we found a hazelnut in the corner and immediately thought of Totoro. Stuff is going out the door and I am feeling new freedom. Just to keep up the momentum is important and key to moving forwards. This set back is bring movement forward in unimagined ways. But still so much left to do. In all this I am feeling blessed.

crazy or reasonable

My current back trouble isn't due to this crazy event carried out by my colleagues and boss. I simply shot this video off my camera. This ruined swing bridge was encounter half way through our sabbath celebration of ministry, though I wonder about the reasonableness of jumping from a bridge into a channel used by boating traffic. Enjoy these crazy people.

Brokenness and need

The picture describes how I feel this morning. My back has gone again. After a good few years of freedom, it's happened again. The old injury has reasserted itself and the pinched nerve pain is back. This morning it took me 5 minutes to roll around trying to find a position so I could get up out of bed, without shooting pains. I feel so frustrated but successfully got to the bathroom. I felt so insecure needing to use wall doors etc to help me walk, or even move.

Back pain is a major problem yet the pain in the legs and backside aren't where the problem is. The ache is referred from a pinched nerve in my back. The shooting pains are, I think, linked to the nerve and muscles which tense trying to protect me. Yet because of the tension I have no back strength to move rather generate more pain when I move.

I have reached that situation where I'm really struggling and pure will power is not enough. About 10 days ago, Iris smiled in a situation where I bit off more than I could chew and told me that she felt good because I needed her. She's an international who came to help me. I must remember that in my ability to serve and help that I must also learn to receive. For some it is vice versa, but for me it is to allow others to help me in my need. For some it is the spiritual discipline of service, perhaps others it is the spiritual discipline of discipline of being served. For me often my identity is based in what I do or can do, yet true relationship has some aspect of reciprocity, on a human to human level this should be mutuality. But on the divine to human level we encounter something very different. We serve and yet we are also served.

In this time I'm struggling. I have to be open to being served with all the implications that are involved.

Worship and Musical miracles

Years ago I was handed a copy of Grantley Morris' In Tune with God. It quite formative because it raise my expectations about worship and music in particular. You can download a copy from here or you can listen to podcast versions (I haven't check these) here. The subtitle The Quest for Music Miracles gives a lot away. It is a study into the spiritual, the metaphysical, the supernatural, or miraculous side of worship. My lasting memory are the accounts of jubilation, the phenomenon where the singing moves beyond the sum total of the individuals singing, where supposedly the angels of heaven join in. In my current clear up I rediscovered my printed out copy and deciding to dispose of the individual printed sheets instead I found versions on the internet to store on my hard drive.

I believe I have had experiences of jubilation a number of times in my life. While they are thrilling and as a musician and worship thinker I am fascinated by the phenomenon, they are only somethings and experiences. Ultimately Christian spirituality is about falling in love with someone.

Fixing stuff but it's only repaired

Iris, one of the internationals I work with, broke her glasses. She uses contacts but uses the glasses at home. It would be crazy to buy a new pair so soon so I decided to try and fix them. There are a lot of problems given that it was the nose piece. In the end I drilled 2 very fine holes and stitched them together with copper wire. With hindsight I should have used steel wire. Anyhow the threads weren' strong enough by themselves even with epoxy. So I had to make an epoxy putty shell or cast to bridge the gap. Not a beautiful repair, but no worse than a plaster cast on your arm or leg. The trouble is the human body repairs itself and so the cast is eventually no longer needed but of course the glasses cannot.

I'm frequently troubled how many people around lack caution assuming or behaving as if things will sort themselves out. The trouble is that we are all accountable in one way or another for action or inaction. In the classic theological formulation the sins of commission and omision. War crimes tribunals do not accept the fact that "I was only following orders" as an adequate excuse. As I understand it every Israeli soldier is capable to assuming command as and when required to do so. There's a whole lot of stuff in this world that can be repaired but never really fixed. The damage has been done! Eeverything thereafter is a patched repair, something put together.