Listen Hard

The night of Oct 1, 2003 I had a dream. I was about to say something and at that very moment I dreamt my legs were covered by small leeches which were sucking my blood. I couldn't say anything. Somehow mysteriously, I had salt and I poured it on them and they began to let go and drop off! (This seemed to be a prophetic dream as I look back!)

That morning I recorded in my journal.

Truly God is good to Israel to those whose hearts are pure. But as for me, I came so close to the edge f the cliff! My feet were slipping and I was almost gone. For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness. They seem to live such a painless life. Their bodies are so healthy and strong. They aren't troubled like other people or plagued with problems like everyone else. psalm 73:1-5

A few days later my bike was stolen. I remember going to where I'd left it and then doubting I'd left it there and wondered where else I had locked it up! In this same time period I recorded bitter and cutting words in my journal and their effect on me drawing life from me. But I also noticed a clustering of grace that was going on around me as I struggled to understand what was going on and yet also words of encouragement from a young student who reminded me of our purpose and callings in life.

I wrote in my journal Don't let anyone condemn you by insisting on self-denial Col 2:18a.

It was probably around this moment I was at my lowest and still I noticed clustering of grace from others: a young Korean violinist struggling with hearing loss and several Japanese students struggling with their studies. Only now I notice how important they were.

I read just before Thanksgiving this by A J Gonzalez:

"Knowing that the heart of God is my home and the heart of the universe, makes alienation and homelessness impossible. This sounds utopian and leaves me with the experience of exile with its uprootedness and suffering. Yet I am called to welcome strangers."

The exercise of reviewing my journals and choosing to post bits is part of listening to the activity of God. But sometimes it takes years for me to hear... Thanksgiving Day in 2003 I was given a replacement bike by extended family.