Lost and don't know where to go

Thursday night biking home I was stopped by a woman wearing a Canada Post uniform asking me where certain streets were, including my own. Nothing strange except I continued on my way home and about 10 minutes later she came up the street delivering mail and I found out from her she'd been asked to do this round at 11am. I noticed it was now 6.30pm.

I am surprised at her devotion to duty to get the letters delivered but surprised that she had no map book or guide to help her. She was clearly wandering around trying find the streets and those she asked about weren't small little roads. I wonder how many people are wandering through life without a reliable map or even better a guide.

A spiritual director is more of a companion who walks with you and points out the presence of God or refers you to pages in the guide book. A mentor tends to work more intellectually to develop and support growth. When looking around I still don't understand why so many rely on peers rather than searching someone older or more mature to help them. I am still blessed to have many people to learn from and guide me. People who don't tell me what to do but point to God.

Downsizing

During a time of sharing this week I was amazed for a moment how many of us were feeling challenged or at least considering issues surrounding the quantity of stuff we have accumulated. Somehow confronted by the realities of our own mortality, the members of our group were considering what we really need in life. I remain challenged especially because my great cleanup is stalled again. Put another way, at the moment I'm wondering would I want my friends and family have to expend huge amounts of energy and resource dealing with all this stuff.

Somehow over the years I've had to help 3 elderly ladies move and all were traumatic because of the quantity of stuff. One woman had a single room 20 feet by 12 feet (6m x 4m) however there was a mountain of bundled newspapers and magazines and boxes about 5 feet tall (1.7m) in the centre of the room and it occupied close to 75 percent of the floor space. She was moving to a small room in sheltered housing and in the end I was throwing bundles out of the window rather than carrying them down out into the street.

I know I need to clear but the will to keep going is finding it difficult at the moment. I know how difficult it was for many of my relatives to let go of stuff and I struggle. But it has to happen if I am to move forwards in life.

Ministry and its cost

Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

The trouble working with internationals is many leave or become busy and distracted and disappear. Saying goodbye is always tough and more the so when you know that it is unlikely you'll meet again. All the hours and time invested in developing relationship with them means that they take a piece of you with them. Alfred Lord Tennyson in one of his poems wrote :

I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. (Section 27)

This is from section 27 of 'In Memoriam A.H.H.' and the initials standing for Arthur Henry Hallam. Hallam was Tennyson's close friend at Cambridge who died aged 22. The poem is more a collection than a cohesive unit and Tennyson uses the analogy of a father losing his son, a mother losing her son or a woman losing her boyfriend to try and understand grief. The sections after 27 start with Christmas and then reflect on the death of Lazarus in the context of the passion of Easter .

Yet still in this age of technology an email or a phone call out of the blue is a special moment. It feels like a moment of new life and hope and an affirmation that the relationship was and is not a mere shadow.

My own dim life should teach me this,
That life shall live for evermore,
Else earth is darkness at the core,
And dust and ashes all that is; (section 29)

In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered. Hebrew 2:10

Some happier news

Last Friday I wrote about my friend's daughter who was sick with dengue fever which took her father's godson's life. At last some good news that her blood platelet levels are what they should be and she has recovered and is going back to school. A frightening time if you are a parent.

Today I learned about the pain of Alzheimers, not for the person who has it but for the family. We talk about the sufferer as the patient but they have memory loss, cannot do things, lose language and lose all sense of place and time. But family has to live with the memories as they were, the things they did and said and know that the present time is nothing like the past. However even here there can be moments of grace a minute or two of recognition and memory.

Recently I started thinking again of M who died in February taking her own life. It's strange the depression and desolation has changed in my memory. It is almost a year since I met her for the first time on campus and she breezed into life at the college. She was not able to receive or accept the love and care offered by so many and although there is some heartache there is also a feeling of hope and new life, no paralysis but reaching for new life and new hope and new purpose. I remember her well and her memory drives me out there again.

The void or chasm of self

If you know what you’re good at and you’re reasons for doing it are right, you have to shut [everybody else] out and say ‘I don’t care, ... I don’t have to convince everyone else in the world to be like me. I’m happy with who I am. I don’t have to be unhappy because I can’t convince the world to be for or against something. Steve Wozniak IDF 2008

Sunday morning I was wondering about God's answer to Moses for a name and he got the reply "I am who I am". This brings reflections about ontology and that statement "In the beginning was the word" literally was the logos the same Greek word as"ology". Descartes famous Cogito ergo sum marks a definitive shift in Western thought. "I think therefore I am" almost usurps the divine statement, that my consciousness defines my very existence. Many of us live this way however moving this along to my decision making or even my consuming defines that I EXIST! My latest purchase or my latest gadget is who I am. Or my job or career is who I am.

Yet this removes our definition in the divine human relationship - child of God to self-definition. Cofounder of Apple Inc, Steve Wozniak's determination is good though rather individualistic and self determining. In the end we are responsible for what we say or do. There is no escaping blame to something else whether genetics or emotional history. The phenomenon of swarming crimes seems to be on the increase almost as a way of escaping identification and also escaping responsibility. But in the final accounting what we did or did not do will be reckoned.

If we co-live our lives or co-author our lives with God then the responsibility is not so heavy. When we live our lives for ourselves then somehow the life is never full rather it is empty. I think Heidegger has this concept of Dasein which is the mundane our average everydayness, which is in a sense our embededness in the world, as if we are thrown into this state.
Whether Heidegger or Sartre, existentialist philosophy names a human dilemma in understanding who we are when all that is left is our self definition.

A gift as representative

Thus, the challenge of Marcel's philosophy -- the challenge of living by a set of values at odds with the world of the problematical -- will be difficult. It involves the commitment of one's entire life and of one's being, and might bring pain and rejection... For those of us who are heirs to the legacy of the atomic age and of mass death -- the twin scourges of the century -- the call to repent, to change how we think and act, has never been louder. John Barich Reflection on Marcel's 'On the Ontological Mystery'

Sunday morning I was asked for the titles of some books suitable to give to people in certain circumstances. I was immediately troubled because sometimes the book is a substitute for being with a person in their current situation and therefore can be a cheap way out. Sometimes it is the setting aside of personal responsibility to share who God really is to me. But most of all any book I give as a gift is my representative. I should have read it and consider it personally suitable.

Gabriel Marcel has been instrumental in my thinking and he introduced the idea that the greatest gift you can give to another is to be truly present to that person. To be present is not merely being there to listen but to be available to that person. Marcel stressed that this gift cannot be possessed or acquired . Even to give it requires personal awareness through the process of recollection and by establishing authentic relationships with other people.

Over the years a few people have given superficial gifts of books, some of which turned out very significant and others which caused pain. Giving books that offer solutions to problems that the other doesn't think they have is most unhelpful and certainly no substitute for giving your time to be with them. Our world is full of the quick cheap fix and lacking in those willing to go the second mile.

If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. Matthew 5:41-42

The garden of the human soul

It is almost a year since I started blogging and I am always wondering whether I'm repeating myself. I don't think I've written about this before. This Sunday morning I was reminded of Teresa of Avila's analogy of the human soul being like a garden. She described the stages of the spiritual life in terms of stages of prayer by using the analogy of watering the garden. It is a beautiful organic metaphor.

The four methods are sort of steps or stages by which a garden can be watered: drawing water from a well, obtaining water by means of an irrigation channel or hose, letting water flow from a stream, and receiving the rain directly from the heavens.

Drawing water from a well is where we take the initiative to place ourselves in the presence of God. Obtaining water from a channel or hose is the prayer of quiet which involves receiving and understanding consolation. Water from a stream where we find rest only in God for the stream comes to the place and is not directed. But this is at the same time both active and contemplative, where both doing good works and being with God come together. The fourth stage is like gentle rain watering the garden. This final stage is the state of mystical union with God.

But what is this water. I struggled this morning because I couldn't think of a passage which linked water with the Word of God which is what was suggested. I remembered Jesus talks about the consequences of receiving living water with the Samaritan woman. However the medieval spiritual writers associated water with the love of God, not the Bible. Has a whole history of interpretation been supplanted by the assumption that the Word of God can be used to understand the water metaphor in reading the Bible?

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

quality and not quantity

Excellence in Scripture is much more about the character of Christ and the love of God rather than statistical achievement. In fact, in the Bible, counting resources and measuring achievements are often used to illustrate pride, self-reliance, control and oppression – the darker side of merit-based culture. Paul Valler LICC

In an interview for support in the work I do in ministry I was asked how I would measure success. Foundationally, I said, people are not projects nor trophies, each person has intrinsic worth. It is in the quality of relationships I have, not the number of them. Yet my own organization is partially trapped in this because the only easy way to assess performance is numerically. Advertising uses numbers as facts to convince people that something is worth while and yet this is such an incomplete story. If we remember Abraham's bargaining with God about not destroying a city, or the fact that only one person was healed at the Beautiful Gate by Peter and John. Clearly it is about individual people, their personal importance, and their particular need and the micro scale.

It eventually rolls into numbers but it isn't a primary focus, in fact it is only with hindsight. Quality may roll into quantity, if I ask how many people would cry for you if you died tonight. My colleague Mimi told me about her father's death in Goma a city in the eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo on the border with Rwanda. Given the wars and violence between peoples, it's not the thousands who went to the funeral but that they were from differing religious affiliations and tribal groups which is the true assessment of the quality of the relationships he had. To understand the tensions of real living or to remove the blandness of your faith, we need to hear stories like Mimi's own personal story (here). I think the quality of Mimi's relationships is already reflected in the number who would mourn the loss of it.

Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let those who boast boast about this: that they understand and know me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on the earth, for in these I delight, Jeremiah 9:23-24

why do bad things happen

Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know but it drives me to struggle sometimes but also calls me to solidarity to stand with them. My good friend from many years ago is back in his home country and he is a good faithful pastor and scholar, father and husband. Yet he lost his godson to Dengue fever only a few weeks ago and now his daughter is struggling with a milder strain. I find a deep ache for them. The problem is the increase of mosquitos in Asia and these ones bite during the day rather than dawn and dusk. Like malaria and West Nile fever, Dengue cannot be vaccinated against and there is no real cure. All three of these are on the increase globally.

I struggle a lot of the time with people's blindness to long term effect and consequence. Whether global warming, pollution in general, food and health issues even bottled water and the world we will leave for the next generation. It used to be that parents worried about the future for their children but now I see less of that worry expressed in lifestyle. Gen Yers and the generation following will have a very different world to contend with. Will they despise their parents and grandparents for the world left them? Most countries recognize that their pensions and support structures will not be able to support the aging population in the next generation and that in fact the health of coming generations are in fact likely to diminish as will life expectancy. The residues of chemicals and trace elements namely pollutants in food, drink, water and air are adding up. The presence of majorly genetically modified food still is an unknown quantity. Short-term economics now determines our world. Expediency and political-economic judgements rule thinking not health and welfare of generations to come.

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen to anyone? Why do they happen at all? Is everything meaninglessness? or Is it a matter of vision being able to see and understand consequences? I'm more and more aware or self-conscious of my own garbage and waste. One small bag of organic food waste every week, fewer and fewer plastic bags and basic garbage. Biking 90 percent of the time beginning to use only rechargeable batteries using less and less canned food etc... Will I make a difference? Unlikely given the patterns of people around me but my conscience is eased knowing that one day I will be judged by the owner of all this and be held accountable both for what I did or did not do. I spent yesterday afternoon with my 5 year old godson and I worry for his future. God help us all.

a fever or smokescreen

We've been in the grip of Olympic fever and medal totals and obsession with speed has been a primary focus. Yet promises of freedom of access and change disappeared under a spectacle worthy of the early days of Hollywood. It has been a epic of distraction. Not owning a tv I've ended up isolated from the hype. Instead I've come across small little articles which have have kicked up a little dust. Have you heard about Wu Dianyuan and Wang Xiuying, two little old ladies in their 70s threatened because they applied for permission to protest. You can find their story blossoming into a little dust storm. They weren't really being political they weren't protesting about human rights per se but their grievance was about receiving insufficient compensation when their homes were seized for redevelopment. The Olympics has been responsible for massed forced relocation of people. If that were to happen for London in 2012 the resulting fallout wouldn't just be a government, it would probably bring down the economy as well.

Smokecreens are a real problem in all aspects of life. Sometimes we know it's one but other times it is such a great illusion we believe it is reality. Other times it is a distraction to draw our attention away from the real issues. The trouble is do we really want to see things as they are or are we happy with what is called reality. (reality tv being a great example?) I suspect there's a lot of that in our lives and our faith journeys.

Getting it right - it's the way you do it

It ain't what you do - it's the way that you do it ... And that's what gets results Bananarama (1970's pop group)

As I was reading a blog entry this old pop song by Bananarama got stuck in my head. Tim Keller's message at Gordon-Conwell graduation was being related. Daryl at Dashhouse.com records Keller saying:

You can grow your church, and at the same time be almost spiritually dead inside. You can grow a church but it can be driven by insecurity. You can have abilities and talents, and God can use you, but you can lack grace in the heart. ... In ministry, it's inevitable that we'll have to tell people of the greatness of God when, at times, we don't have a sense of it in our own lives. There are only two ways to respond to this.

One option is to realize that we need a prayer life beyond what we've ever known.

The other option is to throw ourselves into the busyness of ministry looking for results. ... We often try to fill ourselves with ministry success rather than God's grace. ...Gifts can't substitute for fruit.

Salvation by works thinking remains prevalent in all versions of the Christian faith. There is no substitute for a real authentic relationship with God with both its highs and lows. At a recent pastor's meet it was fascinating that in the sharing time many of the over 40s group just wanted more of God, even clichéd in wanting "to fall more in love with God."

As I continue to prepare talks for the church retreat I've been thinking about the parable of the Talents and also Jonah. The story of Jonah is not about the success of Jonah's warning, nor even Jonah being saved from drowning, nor even his obedience. It is about the transformation of the people of Ninevah and Jonah's head and heart. As I listen, think and meditate I am challenged to rethink the importance of spiritual gifts again. Spiritual gifts are given in the service of the church and therefore important in their being exercised but God's grace in transformation is far more important. Ultimately grace is what draws us to himself.

Practically, grace can even compensate for a lack of giftedness. ... For example, you can be godly and a poor speaker, but your godliness will lead you to keep your message short, and if you are truly godly you won't be boring for 15 minutes. You can be a poor counselor but if you are godly you will be a good listener.

Yes serving out of your spiritual gifts is life giving whether individually or communally but more important is the presence of God in our individual and communal lives. Serving or action is secondary to the relationship to God. What has a stronger message in this world, you as a person living out God's grace with those around you or you simply doing the right things?

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecc 3:11

Day 14 and green sweaters

I got the net ready and quickly snatched up the crab. ... I tried getting the crab out of the net. The crab’s strong claws gripped the net fiercely. Its other legs fought frantically, thereby tangling the crab more and more with each movement. ... The crab was so tangled, it began to look like it was wearing a green sweater.

Luckily, one of the grounds keepers walked by and noticed my struggle ... hang the crab, net and all, an inch or two over the water in the canal. I did as he said.

For a minute the crab didn’t move a muscle. Then the crab started to move. One leg free, then the next. Like magic, the crab attracted to his watery home, undid every knot and sling holding him in place. Then “plop” he dropped effortlessly into the water. Brad Isaac persistenceunlimited.com

Today I've had 2 quite deep conversations. The first, a new immigrant, is unable currently to practice his profession here. He kept talking about alternatives similar and total different. There has a lot of talk about salary and employability. He had a goal to pursue his orginal career but he kept losing sight of it in his insecurities. I felt he was stuck in a web or green sweater of his insecurities. Many of the options and short-term goals didn't seem to match or support his long-term goals and just led to more indecision. I asked what his goal was quite a few times. He struggled because he was wrapped up with all these choices.

Later another call and another stuck in her green sweater and needing to find release from her insecurities and also the world's/culture' dominant values of success and planning and knowing where you're going. She finally began to let go because her attraction to her home with God was stronger than hanging on to stress creating values. Not solved rather her eyes fixed on the right goal.

The matter is we ought not to become fixated on our green sweaters but more so on goals though perhaps I might rephrase that in spiritual terms our calling or our deep God-given desires. To carry on the clean up, besides grace,I need both a vision of freedom with God and the will-power to head off in that direction.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2