Panic, pause, think, look, observe, remember

My iMac kept switching itself off and then wouldn't switch on again. Panic! power supply or logic board and big money and huge inconvenience and not all the stuff backed up! Relief that much is now internet based and I have a few ghost accounts but man what am I going to do?

I called Euge and he wasn't available - PANIC and I wondered and prayed and calmed down. OK my little awkward netbook allows me to do basic things slowly! I found an Apple diagnostic webpage and took the iMac apart and followed the instructions. Everything worked with the internal switches and it powered up. THEN I saw the contacts on the back panel switch looked really dull and tarnished. I remembered Jeff told me about using an eraser to clean camera contacts so I dug out a plastic eraser on a pencil and cleaned them. Guess what? The computers working but I'm now frantically backing up files and data on to external drives.

I have a tendency to expect the worst, or at least no good news. We all need to learn to expect more but it's not easy. Our technological dependency and our technological built in obsolescence lead me into many alleys. Some good and others bad. My 20 year old electric piano sounds odd because sounds have improved. Then 5 years ago I got my synthesizer module but that never sounded quite right because the bottom octave and top 2 octaves were slightly out of tune! That being out of tune used to stress me and annoy me. Finally I bought a used piano synth card and the piano sounds much better and in tune. BUT now I found new motivation and also I've learned to use some of the voices in the module as well.

Panic and getting stressed or just being slightly annoyed doesn't help me or any of us but we still do it. Being open and willing to look carefully and listen and remember then somehow things get sorted out. All this applies equally to other aspect of my life and spirituality.

Hope

Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, it’s unlikely you will step up and take responsibility for making it so. If you assume that there’s no hope, you guarantee that there will be no hope. If you assume that there is an instinct for freedom, there are opportunities to change things, there’s a chance you may contribute to making a better world. The choice is yours. Noam Chomsky

I am always conscious of hypocrisy and issues about saying stuff and not living it out myself: Trying to avoid the legalism of telling others how they should live and not doing it myself. However I am also aware of those doings things, assuming roles for which they lack either experience, knowledge, proficiency and most importance humility. Our problem is frequently that we think we can make the world a better place. We think we can solve the problem. The core problem is we place our hope within ourselves not recognizing our own weaknesses. One of the aphorisms in spirituality is 'knowledge of self is knowledge of God.'

Our trust in structures, institutions, programs and methods, and even each other constantly leads us into disappointment and even distrust. Perhaps it's not your experience, but I make no promises that I know I cannot keep and have the energy to carry through. I also make no promises for God - God will solve all your problems. Yes I believe he can but the promise say he will. There is a jump here, we need to be cautious when we claim to speak for God.

Reading Marva Dawn's book Joy in Our Weakness which is a study in Revelations I found her pointing to a moment where there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. (Rev 8:1)
I'd never noticed this before. "Silence is an important element of praise, thanksgiving, awe, fear, reverence, dread, repentance, anticipation, and prayer. In our busy lives, silence can deepen our intimacy with God." From this intimacy can come renewed and deepening hope. Our world is too noisy and too full of meaningless words. From silence and solitude can come the still small voice of reassurance and hope.

The freedom we should have is to choose a life with God, a spiritual life peppered or flavoured with hope. I baulk at saying 'filled with hope' because we can't actually achieve that in this life. We need hope that things might or will be better than they were, to move forwards. Of course this choice is not what Chomsky is referring to, but we have to move from being victim of the world, to the freedom of taking responsibility for each other. Loving our neighbor as ourselves.

A squeeze of the hand

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked, "I feel so lost." A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost." The Shack by William P Young

I've been reading The Shack and Mack, in Young's book, is met by God in a special way in the depth of a deep darkness and sadness. Also I have been listening to the pain of a number of people struggling recently. The future and not knowing create anxiety, anguish and pain for many; and the unknown brings fear and fear of failure and fear of falling and pain.

Mike Pilavachi writes about a challenge to him from Graham Cray, "Who told you that we were no longer in exile? Who said there are no laments to be sung to God? Are we really at home with all the pain, turmoil, killing, and hatred in the world? Is there nothing to lament before God about?" Again a collision of things, this morning I read William Blake's poem Ah! Sunflower and the trumpet blasts in Revelation and thought about the many godchildren I have and wrote this.

Sunflower, oh my soul!
restless in the search for the infinite
feeling loss and loneliness in the night

I feel lost
deep in my soul I cry for light
glimmer of hope, confusing desire for sight
for the received covering of white - I can't see

It feels that way
but hear me clearly
seeing is not always believing
trusting is more a squeeze of the hand in the darkness

Darker insights into worship as industry

Anything you do and you love it, you're rich. you're a millionaire , man. Hubert Sumlin Blues player

I've been watching "Before the Music Dies" (here). It's a critical analysis of what has happened in the popular music industry and the rampant commercialism which is suggested is threatening and even heralding the death of good and creative music. I think the critique is relevant to popular worship.

"The twenty million people who buy a Britney Spears’ record aren’t music fans they’re popular culture fans." I am becoming sad about the loss of good musicianship. What has happened is art and commerce are mixed up together and it's not a healthy relationship. Commercialism drives but kills the life of music. Commercialism creates certain patterns and reproduction as replication. Therefore only music that matches the already successful is promoted or played. This is reflected in churches as well. But a deeper dilemma exists.

Wynton Marsalis says of students and perhaps this is the problem that I have come across places, in some worship people - "The only thing they are really interested in, is you telling them how right they are and how good they are. ...We live in a country in a massive state of delusion where the idea of what you are is more important than you actually being that. ... We're not willing to work to the degree to live up to that."

Marsalis is, I believe right. That makes me so sad that Christian culture is no different from the rest of culture! I have found this problem in some of those leading worship. Erykah Badu in the documentary, notes there are 3 types of artists, those who write from experience and the pain - the blood of it, those who imitate, and those who simply follow instructions. I really wished there were more in front of congregations, who were the first who know the reality and less of the imitators and NO-one following instructions. Mike Pilavach's For the Audience of One, prepared me for this critique. I learned in reading why Matt Redman's songs seem so authentic to me. Get a copy and read it!

Where are those who understand how music moves people? Those with the proficiency to create good music. Those who who are called to lead people in worship and see them change. Those not satisfied with second best.

'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.' Luke 4:8

Gaza and a prayer

If there has ever been a time for prayer, this is that time.

If there has ever been a place forsaken, Gaza is that place.

Lord, who is the creator of all children, hear our prayer this accursed day. God, whom we call Blessed, turn your face to these, the children of Gaza, that they may know your blessings, and your shelter, that they may know light and warmth, where there is now only blackness and smoke, and a cold which cuts and clenches the skin.

Almighty who makes exceptions, which we call miracles, make an exception of the children of Gaza. Shield them from us and from their own. Spare them. Heal them. Let them stand in safety. Deliver them from hunger and horror and fury and grief. Deliver them from us, and from their own.

Restore to them their stolen childhoods, their birthright, which is a taste of heaven. ...
Bradley Burston, Haaretz Newspaper

From Taize I learned about this prayer from a newspaper in Israel. Read the rest here.

Absence

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks as the preparations for International Christmas took over my life together with a number of other events. But this is on my heart.

The Purpose-Driven Life has a lot to be responsible for in this world both good and bad. The worse is that it encourages task-driven people to be even more task driven. The problem for task driven people is that the task frequently takes priority over being loving and being just. I am constantly challenged and saddened by the lack in supposedly Christian organizations, especially churches. I continue to be find heartache listening to cruel and unloving behaviour in the face of the command to love our neighbour as ourselves. Why do you, we, behave so badly?

There are two judgments or sorting into eternity. I like CS Lewis' image in The Last Battle where all come to Aslan and those who recognize him carry on through a door to a new Narnia while the rest cannot see this new country. This is the sorting of those who know God and don't know God. The second judgment is an accountability of what has been done with and in life. Those in authority with power or influence are more accountable than those with little or no resource. This second judgment is not really based on what we have successfully achieved but more on our faithfulness. Have we cared, fed, given shelter, visited etc? It is about our heart response to situations.

As we head into 2009 I really do pray that in a time of recession we find even more love for those around us. Treating people as valued by God and not things or tools or resources.

Zimbabwe, a human tragedy

In a country with the terrible distinction of having the second highest proportion of orphans in the world — one in four children has lost one or both parents — the closing of schools and hospitals is hitting these most vulnerable children mercilessly. Celia W. Dugger New York Times

A few weeks on and cholera continues to spread and more human suffering. Cholera victims are expected to pass 60,000 and travel to neighbouring countries. Sadly the Information Minister Sikhanyiso Ndlovu called the cholera outbreak as a "genocidal onslaught on the people of Zimbabwe by the British". Meaningless words casting blame and no action.

Inflation officially hit 231 million percent in July, soldiers rioted because their wages were useless. Teachers have abandoned their jobs to find food. Hospitals are closed for lack of supplies etc. There isn't enough clean water to treat sick patients. Zimbabwe is being described as turning into a "failed state". "The situation is truly grim. One man and his cronies - Robert Mugabe - are holding this country hostage," Mr McGee US Ambasador.

What is a failed state? Well some criteria are as follows.

• a state whose central government is so weak or ineffective that it has little practical control over much of its territory,
• legitimate authority to make collective decisions has been eroded,
• reasonable public services can not be provided,
• widespread corruption and criminality,
• refugees and involuntary movement of populations,
• sharp economic decline,
• failed interaction with other states.

The Fund For Peace's Failed States Index is very interesting for 2008. Zimbabwe is third behind Somalia and Sudan. The Uk is 160th, USA 161st and Canada 167th.

It is interesting that much of repentance and Faith involves the admission of weakness, failure and need for strength and resource beyond self. This is the realm of faith. looking into transcendence. Here religious leaders say pray that Mugabe step down, Mbeki former South African Prime Minister asks to a power sharing and in the waiting more die. Is there any point when a nations sovereignty can be violated because that state has failed in it's care of its citizens. I don't know but how can I avoid meaningless words. Perhaps people like Bonhoeffer had a better idea?

The elders

The signing of the 15 September agreement raised hopes in Zimbabwe and around the world, but the failure to implement it in good faith and create a workable power sharing government is leading to despair and accelerating the crisis. Regardless of the challenges in implementing the agreement, all parties should now make the welfare of the people their first priority and put an end to the unnecessary suffering of millions. Jimmy Carter - Elders in South Africa

The Elders, former United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan, former United States President Jimmy Carter and international advocate for women's and children's rights Dr Graça Machel have completed their assessment even though denied entrance to Zimbabwe itself. My own struggles pale into nothingness when I read and follow the reports.

We knew when we planned this trip that the situation in Zimbabwe was serious. What we have learned in the past few days is shocking. It is not just the extent of Zimbabwe's humanitarian crisis, but the speed of deterioration in the past few weeks that is most worrying. The scale, depth and urgency of the situation are underreported. Kofi Annan

It seems to me that if things could take a turn for the worse they have. The basic infrastructure is now collapsing so sanitation and safe water are no longer available and cholera is looming as an epidemic. Perspective is such an important thing for me. A global vision is essential to put often our petty little worries into an appropriate scale. Our backyard should be the world. We don't need anymore more proof that people's greed and hunger for position and power is always bad. I still wonder what happened to government as servant of the people.

There are those who are the elder statemen and women who have in their latter years maintained honour and service such a Annan and Carter and those who just want to hang onto their own little territory like Robert Mugabe.

Why do the wicked live on, growing old and increasing in power? Job 21:7

Declutter and clean up

You're a very busy packrat - you don't enjoy living among clutter, but you're just too busy to deal with it. You can't delegate the job to someone else you're the only one who knows what needs to stay and what can go. Swamped Stockpiler Kijiji declutter day

kijiji has declared today National Cleanup Day in the US. Doing the quiz I confirmed that I am 'swamped stockpiler' and the description is highly accurate. I'm however a slightly happier one. After a really difficult September and October, I finally met with my spiritual director after a 5 month break as she was traveling extensively. I do believe I 'm a bit depressed and probably Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) though normally this doesn't happen until February. But this summer was pretty rainy and a lot of other things this Fall have compounded things to make life pretty difficult and definitely dark for me.

Strange though once you know you're a bit depressed things are a little better because I found I wasn't living in the emotion as much. Also I had quite a few of the symptoms:

• A change in appetite, especially a craving for sweet or starchy foods
• A drop in energy level
• Fatigue
• A struggle to go to bed and a tendency to oversleep
• Difficulty concentrating
• Irritability and anxiety
• Increased sensitivity to social rejection
• Avoidance of social situations and a loss of interest in the activities you used to enjoy

Anyhow I've increased my meat intake and I'm eating more spicy food. I also noticed how dark my apartment was because I hadn't replaced burnt out light bulbs. I bought one daylight full spectrum bulb for the light fixture above my desk where I spend 90% of my awake time at home. I feel a little better but this maybe placebo effect, anyhow I probably need even more of those special light bulbs.

Bill Hybels wrote the book with a classic title Too busy not to pray. I know to my cost that getting the praying bit right is important and got back to journaling in October, and Spiritual Direction this past week. The prayer life of a person or a community is a thermometer of health. The individual's personal time with God and communal time with others. With the latter I am not merely talking about corporate sunday worship, nor fellowship but the need for another human being who listens and prays with us. I am currently mourning the loss of my Tuesday evening biweekly prayer meeting and at the same time pleased to have my spiritual director back.

Today I struggle again to clean up, to assert order in the aspects of my life. To bring light back into the dark corners. Back into the fray called life.

Remember him [Your creator]—before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, or the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Everything is meaningless! Ecclesiastes 12:6-8

health and health

It's the curse of modern life. We eat too much and don't take enough exercise to burn off the calories. ... If this trend continues, by 2050 nine out of 10 adults and two thirds of all children will be overweight or obese. ... Obesity is the biggest health challenge we face. British Health secretary Alan Johnson

Over 2.4 million Canadians suffer from diabetes and up to six million more have prediabetes. If not treated one quarter of the six million will have diabetes within three to five years. In the UK it is predicted that by 2050 , 90 percent of adults will be obese. Physical health is linked to spiritual health. Laziness is both a physical and a spiritual one. Spiritual gluttony and physical gluttony are real problems, in fact sin.

In an earlier posting I pointed to John Cassian who mentioned gluttony as a problem for monks but spiritual gluttony is also an issue. St. John of the Cross, in The Dark Night of the Soul tackles spiritual gluttony. He explains that it is the disposition of those who, in prayer and other faith acts are always in search of sweetness, which we might call the emotional high. Spiritual gluttony occurs when people do spiritual or religious things because of some consolation or delight they get from the activity and so the pleasure becomes the end of the action instead of God. The greatest issue comes with novelty and newer is better thinking because the assumption is that the new thing gives more pleasure than the old.

There is also a very real danger of spiritual obesity or spiritual diabetes for this generation. In the obsession of worship and prayer with emotional highs and pleasure and it's associative newer is better we are in danger of being consumed by our own sugaryness. Richard Foster suggests in Freedom of Simplicity rather than going into worship in a place one rather should bring worship into life. "Have you ever tried to live out your day so that you fill each moment with the thought of God? I do not mean you cease normal activity. Oh No! Just the opposite. bring God into each activity, infusing it with divine Light." We need to take both our physical and spiritual lives seriously. Even eating can become a spiritual activity, one of worship.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sister, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Rom 12:1

Packrat or Hoarder?

I follow a couple of key sites which keep me uptodate with a lot of things. I'm a great fan of Lifehacker.com which introduced me to a few special deals and offers available. Some of my productivity tools were introduced to me through their entries. Check off is a todolist which syncs with my iPod. Google calendar synced with iCal which in turn also syncs with my iPod but also Using Pagepacker I produce a tiny little booklet based on one sheet of paper which includes my weekly events plus monthly calendars, a quick phone book and a myriad of productivity sheets.

Today I was reading my other favourite Apartmenttherapy.com. A post called help my husband is a packrat caught my attention. Of course I had to read the appeal for help and the 23 comments/advice. I know I'm a packrat because it's genetic - all my uncles and aunts are and most of my cousins are too. I hope this isn't libelous. Well thats until I read one comment which suggested there is a difference between packrats and hoarders.

Packrats [and those hoarders who don't have severe illness]can sometimes be convinced to sort and store their possessions in an organized fashion, as long as they don't have to get rid of their stuff. ... An organized hoarder or packrat is someone I could negotiate with, but dirty habits (unwillingness to throw away real garbage) are issues that ultimately ruin relationships. I hope yours is just a hygenic packrat!

Now I'm not sure whether I'm packrat or hoarder. I hate waste and things thrown away. The borderline is when someone's garbage is really your treasure or is it still garbage. I can get rid of things and give things away. In fact I collect things like bikes to give away and collects things towards projects in the future. But the problem is When am I really collecting garbage? For example my computer monitor speakers came out of the garbage. Well actually the last 3 sets have. The best set are a pair of Roland MA8's which work perfectly and have real depth and clarity but I have given away numerous sets rather than hoarded them.

But as a new immigrant I do have hoarder tendencies. With the recession round the corner these tendencies are likely to become more pronounced. I'm pleased that I can ride pass interesting things on the curbside and also turndown certain offers. I have started casting an eye over things regarding quality, value, usability, and condition as part of the consideration but it's still difficult.

Living life more simply has it's challenges and whether it is packrat or hoarder they are real challenges. It's not the collecting, rather whether we use them. "Packrats that collect or hoard for no good reason might need therapy. Packrats that collect for love or investment or other real reasons may need a reality check or storage or organization help, but it doesn't automatically make them mentally ill."

I wonder about our spiritual practices. There can be a danger that we simply collect them and do them and they fail to lead to good habits and ultimately virtuous living. They are the ends rather than the means to an end. In a review of authors lists of spiritual disciplines which I did, I was surprised to see journalling in several lists. I recall reading something by Kenneth Leech author of the classic Soul Friend. In the article, he critiqued the idea that spiritual direction should become a profession and also the idea that journalling is a spiritual discipline. I'm inclined to agree with his issues especially as journalling becomes a discipline instead of one method or a device to aid the Examen, which is a review of the presence and absence of God in daily, weekly and monthly life. The device has become the end not even the means which is concerned with the Spirit.

This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. Zechariah 4:6

Opinions and authenticity

Do you remember the James, Brother of Jesus Ossuary box? It did a bit of a world tour! It was proclaimed as a first century a limestone bone box that could have contained the bones of James, the brother of Jesus. On one side of the ossuary was carved “James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus.” We have to note all these names are common James (Jacob), Joseph and Jesus (Joshua) were all fairly common among Jews at the turn of the era.

Then the Israel Antiquities Authority (IAA) appointed a panel by a unanimous vote claimed that it was forgery, something faked. Now some 5 years later it finally came to trial in Israel and now we find there is original ancient patina in the word Jesus and that it wasn't an unanimous vote. Firstly several simply did not vote , they abstained and others voted on the basis of another scientist's expertise which they did not have the skills to assess. The verdict is still out but the accusation of forgery is much weaker.

Authenticity is something very precious but at the end of the day it's based on evidence and opinions. It is provisional awaited better evidence or refuting evidence and even then it remains opinions. There is a lot of taste and see to it all.

I'm currently rereading Richard Foster's Freedom of Simplicity and today it seems a very different book to that which I read over 20 years ago and even 5 years ago. It tastes very different because I'm different. I am searching for simplicity, order out of my personal chaos. The insights are much sweeter and more sour. Avoiding living a legalism and not confusing poverty and simplicity. Perhaps a significant thought from it is this -

God is not the author of confusion ... when we live out of the divine Center, thoughts and decisions flow from the Fountainhead ... We will have no need to reverse our decision if the winds of opinion change, for we have spoken out of a deeper reality than the latest Gallup poll.

It's a matter of having God at the centre and being attentive. It is less "God coming into us to our coming into God." Whether a life lived in attentiveness to God is good and satisfying eventually boils down to opinions. But these opinions need to be rooted in personal validation.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the person who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8