Givenness

We have been given a God who not only allows us to make mistakes, but even uses our mistakes in our favor! Such a pattern becomes obvious in the ministry of Jesus. Joy is what happens when you suddenly find an excess of life and a surplus of love within yourself! ... Any system of measuring and weighing does not give joy, just order and predictability. Never confuse a well-oiled machine with the joyous wedding banquet that Jesus uses as his most common metaphor for eternity. Sadly some people prefer machines to parties. (adapted from Richard Rohr Things Hidden:Scripture as Spirituality)

Life takes unimaginable twists and turns. Health incidents over the last year, situations and words which seemingly have conspired against us, and mistakes which need redemption. My spiritual director sent me this piece adapted from Richard Rohr's book. In this current season in my life I am learning about the duality of life - that life is never merely about either being happy or sad. Rather life is frequently tinged with both ecstasy and agony. I am reminded of a reflection I read written by CS Lewis. He was sitting in a dark garden shed and looking at the beam of light coming into the darkness from a crack in the door. The light can only be seen because of the dust particles in the air and only because the immediate circumstances are darkness. In all of life we need faith and hope but when it all boils down it is love we are looking for. God gives himself to us and it is he who is love itself.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Life is fragile

Another health scare. Since my dental surgery I've had some jaw pain replacing 15 fillings and having one extraction under sedation is pretty major. I've started grinding my teeth and one lone molar is complaining. Last night was spent in East York General.

Nowadays I'm stressing more and my health plan seems reluctant to pay their part of the dental bill and I had to empty my account to lower the Visa interest payment of the dental surgery. Then my employer forgot to make the monthly pay transfer and I found out after I made the money transfer to pay the Visa bill. I didn't have enough money to pay the rent!

I found myself having to try and solved the problems myself and deal with systems which seem to be conspiring to cause me more stress. So I became stressed more and generated more jaw pain. Well yesterday was bad and in the evening I felt really bad and nearly passed out. I couldn't ever feel my pulse but thank God Iris was with me and she called 911. They came and my blood pressure 79 over 45. The fire fighters had to empty my hallway of bikes and stuff out to the porch in order to carry me out to the ambulance. I was in hospital until 1.30am when they finally released me. Life is extremely fragile. It appears I had a medication conflict probably the muscle relaxant, and pain killers and perhaps dehydration because my apartment was so hot. If I had been alone I'm not sure I'd be here now.

The trouble is my jaw is now so sensitive that I can't chew any food easily. But I'm alive. The clutter in the hall way has been partially dealt with and I will finish the sorting. The deepest concern is when Iris leaves to go home how will I be? Is this all about trusting God and his providence. He brought us together and now it needs miracles for this to continue.But the call for trust and faith is tough for both of us.

Age and aging

... the value of aging is obvious... aging has the potential to bring greater worth to human life. It can add richness to life, ... enhance the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of life by the same processes that cause decline of the physical body. Andrew Weil

I'm currently reading Andrew Weil's book Healthy Aging: A lifelong guide to your physical and spiritual well-being. It's one of those accidents where I went garage saleing and came across the book as part of a package. One year older I'm sort of feeling my age and not. I've dealt with 20 years of dental neglect and had 15 fillings replaced and a broken tooth finally removed. There is some residual pain as my mouth and teeth become mine again, also I've taken to grinding my teeth at night and a couple of lone molars are complaining a bit cos they're wobbling. I hurt my back a bit again but should recover relatively quickly.

It seems to me that we value youthfulness and vitality, making them both the same. But they're not. Weil seems to be suggesting that in fact vitality is enriched by good attitude and aging. I have 4 short weeks before she leaves for Korea and the future is unsure yet rooted in mutual commitment. She reminds me of my age and need for physical care but also my vitality and youthful attitudes. We're not so different and yet there is aging.

I need a purpose and in fact we all need a purpose or reason to face up to aging. William a friend from the UK, only a few years younger is cycling Lands End to John O'Groats (over 1000 miles) taking only ten days, starting on 27th May. That's way out of my range but it's for a cause and one of those rites of passage. If you'd like to donate to the hospice movement and William's cause there's a donation page here.

So what will I do? Well look after myself, take self-care more seriously and intentionally. Exercise, eat properly, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Difficult week past

Where is life headed and what will happen to me? The path seems not clear and perhaps only a step or two in front is clear. There have been some difficult deep challenges this last week and yet to know you are loved by those around gives life.

Easter brought life but the road for most first had doubts. Mary at the tomb first looked for a lost body. Peter, we're unclear about. John believed and understood. And what about poor Thomas?

I have life and yet moments of doubt and fear and darkness strain faith.

Dear Lord, Although I am sure of my position
I am unable to sustain it without you. Help me, or I am lost. Amen Martin Luther

Captain Corelli and what is love

Iannis: When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is! from Captain Corelli's Mandolin

My god-daughter's wedding service had this quotation read out and I am still flying around the quotation because it has caught me like a light to a moth. For love needs to endure to the end but what is that love that endures. As I pray for my god-daughter in her marriage and remember others in their's, and others struggling, and others no longer in marriage.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

late posting Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day

I made this for Valentine's Day but presented in a Chinese red packet for Chinese New Year which is in fact the Asian Lunar New Year. I started work over Christmas conceiving of the shape and design but it changed as I responded to the stone itself. Out of the two hearts, you can now see a another in the centre formed from the two. This emerged as I shaped the rough form. Mostly this happened in the 2 days before Valentine's Day. The pressure was on and yet something new emerged. There is a third heart in our relationship as God seems to constantly be in the centre drawing us closer to himself.

Almost 2 months later as I reflect how the journey has been. My absences from the city, both back home, across provinces and across province and showed me that the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. I am even more sentimental and yet tonight soaking in the bath I remembered another quote. "Tis better to have loved than to not have never loved at all" from Alfred Lord Tennyson. I am glad we met whatever happens from now on. Still praying and living in the hope of a future together.

professional success and the cost

Would you exchange a tremendous professional triumph for a severe personal blow? Dave Brooks New York Times

Sandra Bullock's success with an Oscar and that great acclaim that it brings is contrasted with her personal life and marital failure. Even larger salaries and endorsements and possibly a longer life as Oscar winners tend to live longer. Getting my hair cut, it was noted I don't have any gray or white hair. When asked I said that I think it's because I don't worry so much especially about the need to make money and have things. A woman in the salon started on about how surely more money means you'll be more happy. Well a few people chipped in. One hair stylist asked if I exercise and meditate, which is what I do. But then I was asked if I was Buddhist. I said No I'm Christian. The conversation died into silence? Why?

Research according to Dave Brooks shows that once the basic necessities have been met then income is only lightly connected to well-being. In fact lottery winners tend not to be happier rather sadder with greater problems. Yet don't we also long for more money? If we apply Maslow's hierarchy of needs to our glasses it is interesting that Brooks says "According to one study, joining a group that meets even just once a month produces the same happiness gain as doubling your income. According to another, being married produces a psychic gain equivalent to more than $100,000 a year." The need to belong being met contributes far more than having stuff and possessions and money.

Christians do forget where to lay up their treasures. We need to see the world in a different light. Workaholism and striving for personal success are real, very real. To pursue these has a real cost. The alternative is we all need to enjoy the present moment and the little blessings and not lust after the big things.

The other side of life

I'm learning more about the other side of life. Mothers book hotel rooms for their sons and their girl friends so they can sleep together, I suppose. But why? If mother is comfortable with the idea why not at home? Fathers are happy for their sons to sleep with whoever they want, in fact they think it normal. Yesterday while getting my hair cut, two women were talking one recommending a certain young woman to the other's escort agency.

I realized it is possible to be so sheltered that the rest of the world, the rest of life has no reality. How am I to be in the world and not of the world?

The Return

'I’m only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something, and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do that something I can do'. Helen Keller

Back from my travels in the UK. I'm tired and jetlagged but my spirit is changed by my journey. Absence can bring a deeper understanding of presence and what is important - namely not to worry or be anxious rather to live out today. The mistakes of the past can paralyze and as Martyn Lloyd Jones points out the Sermon on the Mount is not something for some future kingdom, namely the impossible ethic. Rather it is believing in Christ what he said and promised; it is not simply believing on Christ that he is the instrument of salvation. In my preparations for Sunday I have learned much from Lloyd Jones.

Worry is always a failure to grasp and apply our faith. Faith does not work automatically ... Never think of faith as something inside you to work automatically; you have to apply it. .. Your faith will not grow mechanically, you have to attend to it ... you have to dig round and about it, and pay attention to it. Then you will find it will grow.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Matthew 6:25

Put Your Life on a Diet:

I live in a home of 140 square feet. ... Most people would say this is an impossible way to live, but the truth is, my transition to a simpler life has made me happier and healthier than I have ever be ... I find I still use about 2,000 square feet of space, just as I did in the past. The difference is that the other 1,860 square feet of living space—my office at work, the gym, the laundromat, restaurants—is not mine to maintain anymore. Gregory Paul Johnson (original here)

The danger of fill out my life physically, mentally, and with any form of activity is very real. Don't we long for simpler and happier and healthier lives. There's a lot of things to consider here. Perhaps we all need to reconsider the scale on which we live and what fills up our lives? I got to find time to reread Sider's Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger and Foster's Freedom of Simplicity. Life is too full of stuff.

100 Skills Everyone Should Master

Mighty Girl (here) produced a list of 100 skills everyone should master

Here's a few from her list I still need work on

3. Care for a baby, 12. Remember names, 24. Ask for exactly what you want, 50. Travel light, 64. Organize your home, 87. Dress to flatter your shape

I wonder what the spiritual skills that require work are. Patience and faith are right up there. Trust and assurance also near the top. But even before this is the need to be dissatified with the way things are and wanting change. The old joke says "How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?" " It doesn't matter what's important is the lightbulb has to want to change!"

Intimacy involves distance

Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other ... To keep the right balance ... requires hard work ... A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance ... Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, in other words being away increases love. Perhaps it would be absence helps love grow stronger. The metaphor of the dance is also good for our relationship with God, but God is not absent rather gives us space to grow, to practice good decision making and exercise good judgment and learn. We need doubt and free will to grow and we need the space to exercise both and the courage to step out into that space.