Panic, pause, think, look, observe, remember

My iMac kept switching itself off and then wouldn't switch on again. Panic! power supply or logic board and big money and huge inconvenience and not all the stuff backed up! Relief that much is now internet based and I have a few ghost accounts but man what am I going to do?

I called Euge and he wasn't available - PANIC and I wondered and prayed and calmed down. OK my little awkward netbook allows me to do basic things slowly! I found an Apple diagnostic webpage and took the iMac apart and followed the instructions. Everything worked with the internal switches and it powered up. THEN I saw the contacts on the back panel switch looked really dull and tarnished. I remembered Jeff told me about using an eraser to clean camera contacts so I dug out a plastic eraser on a pencil and cleaned them. Guess what? The computers working but I'm now frantically backing up files and data on to external drives.

I have a tendency to expect the worst, or at least no good news. We all need to learn to expect more but it's not easy. Our technological dependency and our technological built in obsolescence lead me into many alleys. Some good and others bad. My 20 year old electric piano sounds odd because sounds have improved. Then 5 years ago I got my synthesizer module but that never sounded quite right because the bottom octave and top 2 octaves were slightly out of tune! That being out of tune used to stress me and annoy me. Finally I bought a used piano synth card and the piano sounds much better and in tune. BUT now I found new motivation and also I've learned to use some of the voices in the module as well.

Panic and getting stressed or just being slightly annoyed doesn't help me or any of us but we still do it. Being open and willing to look carefully and listen and remember then somehow things get sorted out. All this applies equally to other aspect of my life and spirituality.

Hope

Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, it’s unlikely you will step up and take responsibility for making it so. If you assume that there’s no hope, you guarantee that there will be no hope. If you assume that there is an instinct for freedom, there are opportunities to change things, there’s a chance you may contribute to making a better world. The choice is yours. Noam Chomsky

I am always conscious of hypocrisy and issues about saying stuff and not living it out myself: Trying to avoid the legalism of telling others how they should live and not doing it myself. However I am also aware of those doings things, assuming roles for which they lack either experience, knowledge, proficiency and most importance humility. Our problem is frequently that we think we can make the world a better place. We think we can solve the problem. The core problem is we place our hope within ourselves not recognizing our own weaknesses. One of the aphorisms in spirituality is 'knowledge of self is knowledge of God.'

Our trust in structures, institutions, programs and methods, and even each other constantly leads us into disappointment and even distrust. Perhaps it's not your experience, but I make no promises that I know I cannot keep and have the energy to carry through. I also make no promises for God - God will solve all your problems. Yes I believe he can but the promise say he will. There is a jump here, we need to be cautious when we claim to speak for God.

Reading Marva Dawn's book Joy in Our Weakness which is a study in Revelations I found her pointing to a moment where there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. (Rev 8:1)
I'd never noticed this before. "Silence is an important element of praise, thanksgiving, awe, fear, reverence, dread, repentance, anticipation, and prayer. In our busy lives, silence can deepen our intimacy with God." From this intimacy can come renewed and deepening hope. Our world is too noisy and too full of meaningless words. From silence and solitude can come the still small voice of reassurance and hope.

The freedom we should have is to choose a life with God, a spiritual life peppered or flavoured with hope. I baulk at saying 'filled with hope' because we can't actually achieve that in this life. We need hope that things might or will be better than they were, to move forwards. Of course this choice is not what Chomsky is referring to, but we have to move from being victim of the world, to the freedom of taking responsibility for each other. Loving our neighbor as ourselves.

A squeeze of the hand

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked, "I feel so lost." A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost." The Shack by William P Young

I've been reading The Shack and Mack, in Young's book, is met by God in a special way in the depth of a deep darkness and sadness. Also I have been listening to the pain of a number of people struggling recently. The future and not knowing create anxiety, anguish and pain for many; and the unknown brings fear and fear of failure and fear of falling and pain.

Mike Pilavachi writes about a challenge to him from Graham Cray, "Who told you that we were no longer in exile? Who said there are no laments to be sung to God? Are we really at home with all the pain, turmoil, killing, and hatred in the world? Is there nothing to lament before God about?" Again a collision of things, this morning I read William Blake's poem Ah! Sunflower and the trumpet blasts in Revelation and thought about the many godchildren I have and wrote this.

Sunflower, oh my soul!
restless in the search for the infinite
feeling loss and loneliness in the night

I feel lost
deep in my soul I cry for light
glimmer of hope, confusing desire for sight
for the received covering of white - I can't see

It feels that way
but hear me clearly
seeing is not always believing
trusting is more a squeeze of the hand in the darkness

Darker insights into worship as industry

Anything you do and you love it, you're rich. you're a millionaire , man. Hubert Sumlin Blues player

I've been watching "Before the Music Dies" (here). It's a critical analysis of what has happened in the popular music industry and the rampant commercialism which is suggested is threatening and even heralding the death of good and creative music. I think the critique is relevant to popular worship.

"The twenty million people who buy a Britney Spears’ record aren’t music fans they’re popular culture fans." I am becoming sad about the loss of good musicianship. What has happened is art and commerce are mixed up together and it's not a healthy relationship. Commercialism drives but kills the life of music. Commercialism creates certain patterns and reproduction as replication. Therefore only music that matches the already successful is promoted or played. This is reflected in churches as well. But a deeper dilemma exists.

Wynton Marsalis says of students and perhaps this is the problem that I have come across places, in some worship people - "The only thing they are really interested in, is you telling them how right they are and how good they are. ...We live in a country in a massive state of delusion where the idea of what you are is more important than you actually being that. ... We're not willing to work to the degree to live up to that."

Marsalis is, I believe right. That makes me so sad that Christian culture is no different from the rest of culture! I have found this problem in some of those leading worship. Erykah Badu in the documentary, notes there are 3 types of artists, those who write from experience and the pain - the blood of it, those who imitate, and those who simply follow instructions. I really wished there were more in front of congregations, who were the first who know the reality and less of the imitators and NO-one following instructions. Mike Pilavach's For the Audience of One, prepared me for this critique. I learned in reading why Matt Redman's songs seem so authentic to me. Get a copy and read it!

Where are those who understand how music moves people? Those with the proficiency to create good music. Those who who are called to lead people in worship and see them change. Those not satisfied with second best.

'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.' Luke 4:8