Love languages

I gave her the plant first a while ago and it grew and had to be cropped and it is now two plants. But 10 days ago I carved this spoon for her. A fusion of cultures. The practice or carving love spoons is a Welsh habit I don't know when it dates from but I wanted to do something special. It has Chinese and Korean carved into the surface and then stained. The inner wood takes the staining more intensely, hence the dark lettering.

Chapman's 5 languages of love are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These in a sense are the communication mediums of love. I'm weird because I like all and love to do all. perhaps its more a matter of balance not to exclude one. But love needs to find its roots, source and sustenance in God. For love is like a plant which need feeding and being watered.

God has so impregnated the soul with his own life that it can no longer love itself except in God and for God. God always remains the primary object of our love (177) Marriage is a synthesis of every love known to the heart of man. Nothing could be truer, for it makes it appeal to the most physiological love , which is sexual attraction, as well as the most spiritual love, which is charity [read charitas, agape, or Christian love] (187) Charles V Heris The Spirituality of Love

Life and the future

Not a real picture but this is a squirrel and represents my 다람쥐. I have no idea about what the future holds ( I know what I desire but that's not inevitable!) but I can say that the roller coaster of emotions continue for me. Life involves significant changes, which I welcome and desire. I covet your prayers and many different things need to be sorted out.

But to have two senior and experienced friends/colleagues validate this journey with her and this has given us courage for the future. For we have seen God's hands in the path so far and look to the future.

Sleep calls

I am emotionally tired even exhausted. Love may be patient and kind but it demands and delivers both joy and sadness in the same moment. After far too many years she has given me courage to face the dentist albeit a sedation dentist. This is liable to be expensive but the fear is tangibly real and why I have avoided it for so long.

Love has been long in the coming some 20 years, in fact longer than when I last saw the dentist. I am happy after months of struggling with my emotions and my Christmas cactus has come into bloom to celebrate. But how can I tell those around me? It's been tough and I have leaked some information already but this is the beginning of my public declaration. Someone has truly touched my heart and brought significant changes. I am trying to keep tidy and wash dishes, cook food at home, keep up with my laundry, eat healthily and in fact have lost over 7 pounds in weight!

She has been there in all my recent moments of need. Thanks be to God.

cleaning and clearing

The cleaning has slowed down but is still happening. Now I must deal with new old things in my life. Sometimes we allow the past to shackle us and events and memories are like lead weighing us down. We need to find healing and a new space to live. I’ved loved the concept of ereignis as a philosophical idea from Heidegger. Often translated as an event, Hubert Dreyfus defined it as "things coming into themselves by belonging together." I see it as a conceptual clearing in the forest or place of meeting. I'm in that little place where you can see the sky.

Let the redeemed of the Lord say this, Those he redeemed from the land of the foe, Those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and sea Some wandered in desert wastelands Finding no way to a city where they could settle they were hungry and thirsty And their lives ebbed away. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble And he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straightway To a city where they could settle. Psalm 107: 2-8

Falling and being alone

Last night brought home one of the dangers of living alone, I slipped and fell down the stairs. I was seeing the Bible study group out of the apartment and my feet went from under me and I landed on my elbows and back/shoulder. Don't think anything is broken. I was so embarrassed that I pushed everyone out and went upstairs again to ice my elbows. I did feel a lot of pain but at that point I was alone. Thank God I had my cell phone in my pocket and I called for help. She was with me within half an hour.

Yes I'm OK. missing a layer of skin and bruises on both elbows, but OK. My back is sore again and have probably set back my recovery. I was a bit shocked and I fell right asleep later when I lay on my air mattress. (The loft bed being a little dangerous.) I'm resting today and sleeping trying to avoid doing anything stupid. I thank God for her.

God and the why, where, who of God?

I know how to love you beyond just me and you … You are only a stage along my rise toward God. Antoine Saint- Exupery Citadelle

I read this on Oct 26 2009.

… human love can join two people together only on one condition that it makes them love each other in something greater than themselves. And since this something greater is entirely spiritual and divine, it is finally spiritual love alone which can draw us away from ourselves and project us toward the other in a gift of absolute sincerity. Charles V Heris Spirituality of Love

On Saturday I made this my first soapstone carving. It marks a significant change in my life and perhaps also the future. Who knows what will come?

Falling in love

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything. Pedro Arrupe, S.J.

What exactly is a healthy intimacy? I am privy to deep parts of people's lives and wrote to a friend recently as we discussed the nature of love and the dimensions and different parts or forms of Love - "For me the tension is very real in loving another so deeply and feeling their experiences, that that loving doesn't cross over into falling in love. A very real risk." Pedro Arrupe I think points to a falling in love with God but there is a wider aspect to be considered.

Thanksgiving

Today I give thanks for so many things perhaps the clearing and new aspects rising in my life as I make space in the apartment. Putting in 12 hours and producing a startling meal for 120 people was a crazy journey and yet it went well. I give thanks to God for Natalie and Andrew without whom it would not have happened. For Rosanne and others who pulled everything through and worked so hard.

Probably most of all I I give thanks that I can have a sense of gratitude for life itself. Even though my vertigo has come back and my back doesn't work properly and occasionally I fall over because my balance isn't working quite right, somehow I am glad I can feel good, sometimes feel sad , feel the pain and struggles of others. Recently I learned about the struggles of others who have been deeply affected by the insensitive remarks of siblings and sense of worthlessness. Yet I had cause to learn in a recent Bible study that not are we loved by God but precious for God has put his image in/on us.

I am so tired at the moment I'm going to bed now...

Dust, Dirt and Detritus

... That is to say, you reason should not be covered up with worldly affairs, trivial thoughts, and bodily passions but should always be rising above the things of the world as much as it can. If you do this you are bound to discover all the dust, filth, and tiny motes in your house (Why? because he is light); ... In this way you are bound to find Jesus ... It is not a job for an hour or a day but for many days and year with toil and sweat of body and travail of the soul. Walter Hilton The Ladder of Perfection

I have been continuing my struggling with the spiritual discipline of cleaning and it took a new sense of meaning for me today as I read a section from Walter Hilton. He was alluding to Luke 15:8 the woman searching for a lost coin. In this cleaning physically my apartment there are spiritual and emotional struggles as well. I have to face down those things which I have kept hidden, exactly the dust, dirt and detritus of who I am. I have to exercise strong willpower and self-control and in it all finding Jesus and a way to life.

The key problem is all this cleaning seems never ending! My desk cleared and cleaned last week already has a light film of dust again. Perhaps because I'm still moving boxes and books etc around and back and forth out of my bedroom. I'm pleased with myself that I washed my bedding 9 days after getting my new mattress. Almost unheard of in a single male. That's why disciplines are so tough and yet lead to habits and eventually virtues.

Losses

Is loss necessary? Judith Viorst wrote a book I read years ago called Necessary Losses. In my own purging of my apartment I am beginning to suspect my tiredness is linked to an element of loss even though I am achieving freedom from being shackled down to all this stuff I have accumulated. I have been going to bed before 11pm which is unheard of. I think this is healthy loss still with a cost.

My boss loss his father last Sunday and went straight to the airport from the bedside. That's tough, and in that loss I remember my own father's disappearance; I returned home from a holiday to a quiet household, his body already gone. Lord Tennyson's poem Morte d'Arthur is a special piece for me because if this little piece as Arthur dying is placed in a barge and set off.

More things are wrought by prayer Than this world dreams of. Wherefore, let thy voice Rise like a fountain for me night and day. For what are men better than sheep or goats That nourish a blind life within the brain, If, knowing God, they lift not hands of prayer Both for themselves and those who call them friend?

Losses may be necessary, an inevitable part of life but that does not diminish the pain created by an absence, by the space left empty in a life. Freedom isn't everything.

Seeing and asking and smelling

I was talking to my neighbour because last Sunday I watched many women coming out of the local Orthodox church with a branch or handful of a green plant. I discovered that this is a tradition that comes from the time of Constantine, a Roman emperor who embraced the Christian faith giving it official status in the Empire. His mother Helen is reputed to have found the remains of the cross. St Helen took part of the wood and nails with her to Constantinople where Constantine gave orders to build at Jerusalem the Church of the Resurrection.

The temple was constructed in about ten years. St Helen did not survive until the dedication of the temple, she died in the year 327. The church was consecrated on September 13, 335. On the following day, September 14, the festal celebration of the Exaltation of the Venerable and Life-Creating Cross was established. The basil grew where the Holy Cross was found. Tradition tells that the aroma of the basil attracted Saint Helena and she ordered the workmen to dig there. Incidentally basil (βασιλικός) in Greek means kingly, royal. I feel honoured that my neighbour gave me a sprig of basil from her porch. The smell of basil took a new twist in meaning for me and so did my relationship with my neighbour.

Supposedly basil helps to promote higher states of awareness and open the heart and mind. It has an extraordinary antispasmodic action that makes it useful in the treatment of muscular cramps, all respiratory tract infection, asthma, and bronchitis. The oil possesses antiviral, anti-infectious and antibacterial properties and is uplifting and stimulating and helps chase away the blues. Perhaps I should start growing it?

Nothing new under the Sun

I’ve been clearing into the deeper corners of my bedroom and so much dust and stuff has been cleaned sorted or gone down the stairs and out the front door. I’m working on two file boxes of talks I gave in the period 1986-1992. A long time ago but the OHP acetates I prepared are works of art or graphic design with a wide use of colour and different fonts and images and pictures. I even hand tinted the black and white pictures!

What surprised me was the outlines of the talks were pretty similar to those now. I’m still going on about the same things. What is it they say? Preachers/teachers really only have one message? I’m beginning to think its true. Probably I’m still asking the same question “So where’s your passion?” Perhaps in deeper ways with more information but the question is still the same. Does this mean I haven't grown or changed if the issues are still the same?

Health and Dust

Day 9 of my back trouble saga. My back is getting better with no sharp pains but a ban against riding the bike and lifting heavy weights. Both I had to do for the the BBQ on Saturday, (don't tell my chiropractor). We had far more people than we first expected or planned for and had to sort out extra food. But on the day, donations made the food even greater than we needed.

I still have the dull ache in my legs but the vertigo seems less again. Somehow adversity and troubles has brought something good. With the clear up, yesterday I could have a small birthday dinner at my place which is the first in two years! It felt so good having people around the table eating.

Strangely last night, a little almond nut turned up on the floor of the kitchen. It was almost a repetition of Totoro again. This whole episode in my life can only be described as an experience of the sacred or holy. New freedom and deepening relationships as each little event contributes to the next. For example, last night Iris and Naomi were delayed for dinner, so Dickie decided to lift and remove the old stair carpet. A dust trap and also liability as it is quite frayed etc. Today as I write and reflect I am increasingly aware that perhaps my ill-health over the last few years is also related to bad air quality and dust! Of course physical, emotional and spiritual health are interlinked and this journey is headed in a good direction.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Roman 8:28

The third day

Somehow three days into my back incident and I feel like this infirmity has been a catalyst for the good. People have been helping me clear and clean and a carpet of dust is now gone. I feel a new ordering.

The strangest thing is in the anime My Neighbour Totoro the little girl Mei follows a trail of nuts left on the ground. In clearing my living room we found a hazelnut in the corner and immediately thought of Totoro. Stuff is going out the door and I am feeling new freedom. Just to keep up the momentum is important and key to moving forwards. This set back is bring movement forward in unimagined ways. But still so much left to do. In all this I am feeling blessed.

crazy or reasonable

My current back trouble isn't due to this crazy event carried out by my colleagues and boss. I simply shot this video off my camera. This ruined swing bridge was encounter half way through our sabbath celebration of ministry, though I wonder about the reasonableness of jumping from a bridge into a channel used by boating traffic. Enjoy these crazy people.

Brokenness and need

The picture describes how I feel this morning. My back has gone again. After a good few years of freedom, it's happened again. The old injury has reasserted itself and the pinched nerve pain is back. This morning it took me 5 minutes to roll around trying to find a position so I could get up out of bed, without shooting pains. I feel so frustrated but successfully got to the bathroom. I felt so insecure needing to use wall doors etc to help me walk, or even move.

Back pain is a major problem yet the pain in the legs and backside aren't where the problem is. The ache is referred from a pinched nerve in my back. The shooting pains are, I think, linked to the nerve and muscles which tense trying to protect me. Yet because of the tension I have no back strength to move rather generate more pain when I move.

I have reached that situation where I'm really struggling and pure will power is not enough. About 10 days ago, Iris smiled in a situation where I bit off more than I could chew and told me that she felt good because I needed her. She's an international who came to help me. I must remember that in my ability to serve and help that I must also learn to receive. For some it is vice versa, but for me it is to allow others to help me in my need. For some it is the spiritual discipline of service, perhaps others it is the spiritual discipline of discipline of being served. For me often my identity is based in what I do or can do, yet true relationship has some aspect of reciprocity, on a human to human level this should be mutuality. But on the divine to human level we encounter something very different. We serve and yet we are also served.

In this time I'm struggling. I have to be open to being served with all the implications that are involved.

Worship and Musical miracles

Years ago I was handed a copy of Grantley Morris' In Tune with God. It quite formative because it raise my expectations about worship and music in particular. You can download a copy from here or you can listen to podcast versions (I haven't check these) here. The subtitle The Quest for Music Miracles gives a lot away. It is a study into the spiritual, the metaphysical, the supernatural, or miraculous side of worship. My lasting memory are the accounts of jubilation, the phenomenon where the singing moves beyond the sum total of the individuals singing, where supposedly the angels of heaven join in. In my current clear up I rediscovered my printed out copy and deciding to dispose of the individual printed sheets instead I found versions on the internet to store on my hard drive.

I believe I have had experiences of jubilation a number of times in my life. While they are thrilling and as a musician and worship thinker I am fascinated by the phenomenon, they are only somethings and experiences. Ultimately Christian spirituality is about falling in love with someone.

Fixing stuff but it's only repaired

Iris, one of the internationals I work with, broke her glasses. She uses contacts but uses the glasses at home. It would be crazy to buy a new pair so soon so I decided to try and fix them. There are a lot of problems given that it was the nose piece. In the end I drilled 2 very fine holes and stitched them together with copper wire. With hindsight I should have used steel wire. Anyhow the threads weren' strong enough by themselves even with epoxy. So I had to make an epoxy putty shell or cast to bridge the gap. Not a beautiful repair, but no worse than a plaster cast on your arm or leg. The trouble is the human body repairs itself and so the cast is eventually no longer needed but of course the glasses cannot.

I'm frequently troubled how many people around lack caution assuming or behaving as if things will sort themselves out. The trouble is that we are all accountable in one way or another for action or inaction. In the classic theological formulation the sins of commission and omision. War crimes tribunals do not accept the fact that "I was only following orders" as an adequate excuse. As I understand it every Israeli soldier is capable to assuming command as and when required to do so. There's a whole lot of stuff in this world that can be repaired but never really fixed. The damage has been done! Eeverything thereafter is a patched repair, something put together.

Effects,prayer, wishes

You wonder whether you have an effect. Whether anything you say has an effect. Two weeks ago I filled in one of those surveys having bought something from Shoppers Drug Mart. I noted that I couldn’t find my favourite toasted coconut marshmallows snacks and I also said something about looking for special sale items.

Guess what last week there they were on sale, a rack full of them by the cash desks. Did my comment have an effect? Difficult to say. Lin Yutang, a Chinese philosopher who studied and published in the US has a number of books I read the most well known being the Importance of Living. In it is a chapter called if my memory is correct "Why I am not a Christian." Although from a strongly Christian family the death of his mother had a depe effect on him. While an aunt prayed that it would not rain at the funeral for his mother and it didn't, he could not believe that a God would be interested enought to do such a thing.

Yet Edwrad Lorenz, a weather modeller and father of chaos theory, formulated that complex systems behaviour can be modelled with very simple equations and minor variations can produce wildly varying results. Philip Merilees later concocted Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas? I wonder if we can say that an individual's prayer can be paralleled here. Perhaps it is less a matter of ciritical mass and more about timing and being part of the same connected system?

Clearing up and old jobs

Well I'm still clearing up and tackling old jobs. These 3 chairs I recovered from the garbage probably 5 years ago. The cane in the seats was broken. I can tell you which street and which section of the street I got them. They like many of my other folding chairs are like family. Anyhow I finally bought the materials, researched on the internet the relevant information and started the first. I made a few mistakes on the first and broke a few strands. On the second I broke fewer strands however number three I broke none. I discovered that you have to push the strands of cane towards the slot and then downwards. Important information not covered in anything I'd read before.

There is no substitute for experience: Whether practical skills of repairing chairs or the spiritual life. I know my understanding comes from the practice, from the struggles and from rising above the difficulties. At the moment I have to make clearing up a spiritual discipline because the disorder is affecting my own mental, emotional and spiritual state.

String together

I happened on Dr Draw a band with a pretty unusual line up. Dr [Eugene] Draw an electric violin player together with a 5 string celloplayer, elctric harpist, keyboard, electric guitar, bass and drums. They play a fascinating fusion of classical, rock and jazz. Sometimes being in the right place at the right time and that day at the Taste of the Danforth I caught their afternoon stripped down and punkesque set and later in the rain in the evening a more gentler version.

Check out my music blog for a short clip I got with my little digital camera.

The Heart of Mentoring - Book review

The Heart of Mentoring: Ten Proven Principles for Developing People to Their Fullest Potential, by David A. Stoddard with Robert Tamasy

Navpress is a great publisher of books on discipleship and mentoring and I learned mentoring through Navigator’s own Paul D. Stanley co-writing ‘Connecting ‘with J. Robert Clinton and Regent College’s founder, James Houston’s ‘The Mentored Life. All published by Navpress.. Initially I confess some disappointment reading this new book, finding it a substantially lighter read. Perhaps the simplicity of the main idea that mentoring is essentially founded in meaningful relationship and the subtext that there is no difference between discipling and mentoring, is my problem. Reading the back cover and internal commendations from US corporate leaders and the extensive reference to the Harvard Business Review and FORTUNE magazine, revealed that this book is not written for me, someone in the academic arena, to read. This book is written for the corporate business person to encourage them to take their faith seriously beyond the churches doors and into the work and home environments. The message is Go out and make a difference.

There are plenty of stories from the corporate career journey; many examples and situations to resonate with. It tries to resist the “how to” approach of a method rather introducing what Christians would call fellowship into mentoring. If you want the theory read Houston’s book, the different models read Stanley’s, if you want the motivational talk then read this book by Stoddard.

Feeling settled

You have riches and freedom here [in the West], but I feel no sense of faith or direction. You have so many computers, why don't you use them in the search for love? Lech Walesa (leader of Poland's anti-communist movement in the 1980s)

Feeling comfortable can lead easily to complacency. Summer is the season of fresh fruit and exotic tasty fruits. I transition from dried to fresh but there are some that are large and tasteless. These have been forced, picked early and ripened en route. Our lives are often tasteless and full of stuff without meaning or shape. It was Augustine who said in his autobiography that he was restless until he found his rest in God. Perhaps we need to maintain a pilgrim-on-a-journey stance right through our lives.

In Allport's work, a psychologist of religion, the idea of an intrinsic and extrinsic faith was developed. The latter is a faith grounded in practices attending church, Bible studies etc. The former, rooted in internal values and motivation. Followers have developed a further category of quest where seemingly this dimension is a contributor to significant maturity. We get stuck and often in the extrinsic place. We sound and look right but there is no interior transformation.

This last weekend I was speaking at a church conference about the dangers of our current image culture it's shallowness and meaninglessness. We are so focussed on being noticed and recognized and looking right. This has been a shift from our idol culture which placed money, sex, and power as gods to be worshiped. I wondered if we need to think of ourselves as icons either as windows to God or representations of God. if we are are open and willing we can truly be God's artworks.

Another try at clearing up

Well. What can I say? return from speaking at a church retreat on Romans 12 and now I need to try and tackle the home again. Why is there some much junk mail? I have so much paper which goes straight into the recycling bin at the front door and still my place is full!

The Getting Things Done (GTD) empire talks about have a central point bin/box or trays where everything ends up. I suspect that is the beginning of the problem and I just don't have that. I need to work on that before anything else except I have no space to generate that gathering point!

Still I've decided to continue the slow move to digitize large portions of my world. The slow ripping of CD's onto my hard drive and boxing up the CD's which have occupied a large amount of space around the apartment. Today I boxed up songbooks that I not longer use. But I have to be far more drastic soon.

I'm still struggling a but but the lead balloon of SAD isn't really there at the moment. Just the energy to keep at things until everything is tidied up. God give me strength and courage to deal with all this stuff.

Got to get more stuff out of the front door. Yet biking home yesterday I saw 4 bikes in the garbage. One folding one made it home with me because the frame is in better condition than 2 other frames I have. Now I have to decide how to consolidate the bits and make another good bike before getting rid of the excess parts.

Friends Reunited

Encouragment comes in many different ways. I'm on the website Friends Reunited and got an email recently from my past, in the region of 27-30 years ago. That's really the past! Keith from my Cru days. I knew him as a 12 year old and I was one of his youth leaders.

Sometimes you never know whether you made a difference or not but to find out he has remained in the faith and serving in leadership is a breath of fresh cool air. I've been reading a book on mentoring and will be posting a book review here soon. One of the things the book raises about mentoring and working with young people is the issue of legacy. Do we leave no trace? Ascribing to the idea of negative ecological footprint no-one ever knew you were there or do we leave legacies.

Several of my recent internationals have struggled intensely but I am genuinely touched when one said "I don't know God but I know you!" and another "[God] sent me you. It means that he haven't abandon me yet."

Who am I?

... it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

I am more that what I do. I certainly am far more than what I make financially. I am certainly more than I feel. I'm a little worried about the Fall and September. The Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) I had last year was pretty bad and now I suspect I've been suffering for perhaps 2 years because I seem to have more energy than I've had for a long time. Yet I know I'm slowing down and I don't feel as great. But I hope things will change.

There are two signficant departures both Jen. jen who I've memtored and been around for many years through courtship and going to Harvard to eventually marrying and now off to Africa dn the great fearful and challenging experience. Also a dear friend from Regis is leaving the city and I will miss Jen discovering that combat is not the only model for academics but perhaps co-operation and friendship. We are more than our feelings and moods we are God's beloved children. So much work to be done here.

A lovely arrangement

I'm posting this here on my main blog because it lifted me when I watched it. Friday I went to the Music Garden and looked at the flowers and garden arrangment while listening to Bach unaccompanied cello suite 1. I realised that music can reinterpret an external experience in a different way. The music becomes a soundtrack and narrates experience into new and differing ways.

psalm 100

I was reworking psalm 100 for a small worship service recently.

Shout! Shout! Yell it all out.
I'm happy Lord
That - your glory, your majesty
your joy fills the earth
Everyone embrace the very fact
That- we are his artworks and his craftsmanship
We are his family,sitting and eating at his table.

Shout! Shout! Yell it all out.
We are thankful, grateful,
witnesses full of feelings of seen grace.
For the Lord is good
and his love endures forever.
For the Lord's faithfulness fill all of Time.

moving in the right direction

I've bought an electric toothbrush. The first time I've owned one but perhaps a little late because of the condition of my teeth. Somehow I've really got to get enough courage to find a dentist and start the long course of treatment. I'm blessed with a benefits plan that covers sedation but still have to find that important movement in myself.

I have to find a dentist. A tiny step but huge for me as I deal with my fear of dentists. The electric toothbrush is too little too late but still a step in the right direction.

There is that Chinese saying that the journey of a thousand li begins with one step. I would add in the right direction.

As I prepare to speak for a church conference, I am pondering issues for Christians around image. How Western culture and many others affected by it are now an image culture. The trouble with image culture is its superficiality. It's all about looking right and sounding right but not about character and substance. Dealing with the core nature of the human person. Perhaps we are less a culture fixated with idols things that replace God and now focused on self and image. (see video series Century of the Self here) Yet perhaps we should be icons either in the classical spiritual sense of windows through which others can see God or in computer terms as points which lead to or represent a program or file in a visible way.

Videotape Radiohead

I've been absent from blogging for over a month which has been a signficant amount of time for me. The problem is dial-up and bad connectivity and time to change provider. Sorry I'll be remedying things.

Sometimes the people you hang out with are great and I'm really blessed. I've been playing my electric cello at CATM for services avbout once a month and I really enjoy working with the pastor Matthew who also is the music mover and shaker. Infact a great worship arts and video maker as well. He ended up in the Radiohead video last summer, the older guy with the beard.

A mute point

I haven't posted in a few weeks. problems of internet connections and adapting to dial-up. I'm the middle of summer school learning how to refine my thesis proposal. We learn together and the most interesting thing is so many of us seem to be working on aspects of discipling or spiritual formation. Why is the church shrinking? Even the larger churches are staying the same size even though there are many new people joining... There seems to be this issue that people are leaving as fast as they arrive at best and worst simply leaving and not being replaced.

One of my fellow D.Min students figures it is all about seriousness. I agree entirely somehow the loss of conviction, motivation and even drive. I've been asking why so many twenty somethings lose their passion and vaitality of faith sometime after leaving university. It's mute point but perhaps our passion is based on questioning and when everything is up for grabs.

Christlikeness

“To facilitate this life with God, we become willing to do whatever we need to do to connect with God in the next ten minutes – even if it looks very different from what the people around us do or what has been described in a book. As we connect with God, we change.” (20)

If you are dissatisfied with your devotional life and the practice of daily Bible reading then Jan's book is a great introduction to Ignatian Gospel contemplation and other spiritual disciplines. What seems to set it apart is that rather than presenting the disciplines, nor presenting them as methods for change, it authentically “places Jesus in the center of your vision and lets Jesus lead...” This is more than a devotional read it seeks to help us rediscover Jesus in a transformative way as we attend soul school. I found much more a multilevel and multifaceted curriculum thus it is not something you do once rather it introduces you to the reflective life. Thus each chapter can be repeated with new insights that we might fulfill our calling to be truly Christlike. However this book is not a manual it contains many personal experiences and insights from her life and therefore it is humane and reasonable. Living or at least seeking to live a Christlike life is not for the elite but for all of us. It is simply a matter of the will and motives.

What spirituality style are you?

The people at Natural Church Development are working on a new inventory about spirituality. You might like to try it at www.3colorsofyourspirituality.org .

I've completed their online survey and I'm interested that I seem pretty balanced now. Ten years ago it would have been different.

Rational Style - 121 ; Doctrinal Style - 111 ; Scripture-driven Style - 120 ; Sharing Style - 120 ; Ascetic Style - 115 ; Enthusiastic Style - 110 ; Mystical Style - 122 ; Sacramental Style - 110 ; Sensory Style - 100 ;

Rumours of Glory

"The Sunday morning attendance shows how popular the church is. The Sunday evening attendance shows how popular the preacher is. The prayer meeting attendance shows how popular God is." source unknown.

Bruce Cockburn's song Rumours of Glory has been on my mind for the last 10 days or so. We need a constant experience or flashes of glory to maintain our faith and passion for God. Even in the ambivalence and pain of life, even in the uncertainties or struggles with believing any good can come out of a situation we need rumours of glory. This is hope, the reality of living faithful lives. Glimpses of something better than gold - God.

Smiles mixed with curses - The crowd disperses - About whom no details are known - Each one alone yet not alone - Behind the pain/fear - Etched on the faces - Something is shining - Like gold but better - Rumours of glory Bruce Cockburn

I live this way. This is foundational. This is the core. This is my reason and meaning. This has been laid bare in many ways recently and yet my heart is heavy because so many don't hear or see the rumours or glimpses of the glory of God in their lives. This is what discernment is all about. Not the happy false grin but joy that wells up even in the most difficult situations.

The parable of the shrewd/dishonest manager

Yesterday someone came up to me and asked what Luke 16 was really about. To be honest, this is a really difficult parable so much that the NIV gives it one title and the NRSV almost the opposite. If we look at the following encounters and following parables to the shrewd/dishonest manager this seems to be part of a strand of teaching on material possessions: Serving 2 masters, the Pharisees – lovers of money, and the rich man and Lazarus. But if we look what is before, we find the cost of discipleship, what discipleship is about, who are disciples and why are they accepted. I think we can say that the parable covers the subject of money in the context of discipleship.

Why do I think this? Well there seems to be a key question in reading this parable. ‘Is the master in the parable, Jesus?’ and a second consequential one ‘Why does he approve the manager’s behaviour?’ Lets look at the second. Well the manager reduced the amount of money the people owe and the master approves. Perhaps because we forget corrupt business practices. When you have control of money it is easy to siphon off a part of the profits for yourself. Tax collectors during the Roman occupation seemed to do this. In many parts of the world today a bribe is necessary to get a government official to do something. Was the manager wasting squandering or neglecting his duty as steward of resources and service another master? Perhaps the manager in going around in fact was removing his cut/portion of the debt and therefore giving just treatment to those he has wronged. Perhaps his shrewdness was to right the wrongs he had done to others. Perhaps this is a reasonable understanding and allows us to say yes to the first and ‘because the lost manager has repented and returned home.’

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. Luke 16:10

Don't just look at appearances

In 'Britains Got Talent', the Brit equivalent of Canadian/American Idol or 'America's got talent', there's a new sensation and a shock. See it here. (I can't embed this video) The show was only broadcast April 11 2009!

This whole thing is challenging. Just from the first program of the new season she has sprung to fame and this youtube video has been seen over 16 million times in less than 5 days! There are a number of other versions out there totaling over 20 million viewings. It's not about looks but a voice and an ability to move people. Simon Callow does not compliment easily and its said Oprah Winfrey has already an invite to appear on her show.

"Indeed, a full range of emotion -- first humor, then shock, followed by warm appreciation and perhaps a dollop of self-reproof for anyone who dares to judge others principally by their appearance -- can be extracted from Boyle's seven-minute clip. And that is what makes her story perfect for the Internet, where short clips rule." Scott Collins LA Times

Inexplicably I am moved by her voice and ability to communicate, I am moved by her dream in the face of opposition, I was blessed by Youtube refusing to stream video content and only audio at first so I was spared a level of pre-judgment . But I too am moved in my heart to reconsider how I prejudge. What do you think?

Reading Spiritually About Spiritual Things

Reading often means gathering information, acquiring new insight and knowledge, and mastering a new field. ... Spiritual reading, however, is different. It means not simply reading about spiritual things but also reading about spiritual things in a spiritual way. That requires a willingness not just to read but to be read, not just to master but to be mastered by words. As long as we read the Bible or a spiritual book simply to acquire knowledge, our reading does not help us in our spiritual lives. ...As we read spiritually ... we open our hearts to God's voice. Sometimes we must be willing to put down the book we are reading and just listen to what God is saying to us through its words. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

John Stott used to refer to this sort of thing as sitting under scripture and double listening: listening to the Word and listening to the world. On similar lines Søren Kierkegaard used to talk about the Bible in one hand and a newspaper in the other. Rather than reading in a utilitarian fashion to use the information for our own ends, reading can be for us spiritual formation where with discernment we can hear the voice of God challenging us or calling to us.

Darkness and a special voice of hope

I am rereading the Narnia stories as I do every 5-6 years. This passage is from CS Lewis' book The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. My friends named their daughter God's breath after a passage and at last I think I've found it.

The children and the ship are in a darkness surrounding an island and the darkness is driving them to despair. There's an albatross flying in a shaft of light surrounded by the darkness and it lands on the prow.

..."it called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them. ... 'Courage, dear heart', and the voice, she felt sure was Aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face."

Darkness can bring paralysis but if we look and look for that glimmer of light our will is strengthened to keep going and virues grown and hope comes and a call for courage. This is the movement from Good Friday to Easter Sunday.

... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Hope in darkness calls courage. Romans 5:3-5

Here comes the sun

Pathos and hope, blues/folk and classical - Here Comes the Sun in 3/4.

Thanks Melody for this video and your encouragement - I've been reading Marva Dawn's Truly the Community. One of her key themes is the importance of joy in the individual and communal spiritual life. This is not meaningless smile from antidepressants/drugs rather the experience of joy even when you can't find your first job, joy when nothing seems to be going right, joy in the sadness of passing of Auntie Olive. This is tough joy because it rises out of the thorns of life.

Teresa of Avila, one of those medieval spiritually insightful writers, talks about the human soul as garden watered by God. Firstly by hauling up water from a well, then by windlass, then the discovery of streams in the garden and then as rain. But the object is not collecting water revelling in the experience of God but water is for the flowers. The flowers are the virtues which include Faith,Peace and Love - and joy. Even when I can't feel the presence or love of God the virtues are there to affirm the presence of God. This virtuous joy isn't something I can live inside, the way I tend to live in my feelings, but joy like a warm jacket on a cold day.

Hope and Forgiveness

Our most painful suffering often comes from those who love us and those we love. The relationships between husband and wife, parents and children, brothers and sisters, teachers and students, pastors and parishioners - these are where our deepest wounds occur. ... The great challenge is to acknowledge our hurts and claim our true selves as being more than the result of what other people do to us. Only when we can claim our God-made selves as the true source of our being will we be free to forgive those who have wounded us. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

Yet there are always those around to encourage us. To bear us up in the difficult times. There is the greater community and wisdom from those I mentor. Thank you Janice, Wayne, and others. There are the continuing signs that I am in the right place - those internationals who affirm this path for this season of life. I move forwards being careful not to live in the feelings nor the thoughts but the grace of God.

How Can A Good God let Bad Things happen?

I'm continuing to review books and this is my second for Navpress.

How Can A Good God Let Bad Things Happen? by Mark Tabb

Most of us don’t want to admit we can’t figure God out. Instead we try to explain him away. And when we hear someone cry out that God isn’t being fair … we step in with our best God talk and give that person all the answers. (p38)

I wasn’t sure what to expect picking up this book by Mark Tabb. There are so many classic books trying to face down the problem of evil and the problem of suffering and I was wondering "Not another heady intellectual exploration!" I was pleasantly surprised. The problem of suffering is, in reality, neither a theological nor a philosophical problem, it is an existential one. The book comes at issues reflecting on real life and Job’s reflections of life and at the same time holds theological and philosophical insights in tension. Each time as emotional responses came from me to something I read, the following chapter provided a deep insight. This is an unusual book well worth reading because it really doesn’t solve the problem but you feel like yours and Job’s issues have been addressed fairly and realistically. It is a simple book to read without being simplistic about the problem, made all the more difficult when desiring to maintain the notion of the sovereignty of God..

RIP Auntie Olive

After ten and a half weeks in hospital with a slow slow decline, my Auntie Olive has passed away. She looked after me as a small child and told me that she'd toilet trained me and used to also remind me that I ran around her home banging my spoon saying 'Da da da da'. (That was a long time ago!) Also Auntie Olive's family housed my mother with before getting married and she introduced my future godmother. She was an incredibly patient and gentle woman.

It is in loss we only really find what we value. Mentoring and having good role models is something frequently missing in our world. I will not forget Auntie Olive for the model of care she provided for me.

Spiritual gifts and materialism

...many of us encountered evangelical teaching on spiritual gifts in teaching that seemed heavily influenced by various kinds of secular personality theory, especially the identification of various personality characteristics as they pertained to work, relationships and self-understanding. The internetmonk.com

Certain sectors of Christianity assert that spiritual/charismatic gifts ceased in the apostolic era, i.e. ceased after the early church became established. It seems to me that we can generally assert it is a minority and though the absence of a definitive list is a problem, most mainline churches have space for them theologically. I came across Matthew J. Slick's argument again the cessationist position (here) and I find it probably better founded than my own. Most significantly the largest debate seems to be in the reformed community but has quietened down in recent years. (here for a list of links)

Church history right through the church fathers Tertullian and Origen, even supposedly Luther through the Azusa Street revival and 20th Century Charismatic Renewal has confirmed the continuance of charismatic gifts. C Peter Wagner and and others see a critical difference between natural talent and spiritual gifts. Though both might be attributed as gifts of God the latter are specifically given for service of the church and to be exercised accordingly. Thus someone with a natural talent for teaching may in fact be a teacher, however unless they have that as a spiritual gift they are very unlikely to be involved in church based teaching.

For myself to negate the presence of spiritual gifts in our world also frequently negates the activity of the Holy Spirit and is part of a slippery slope that reduces or removes the whole existence of a spiritual dimension to being human. My contact with those educated from Communist materialist countries is a heightened awareness that there is more to life. Yet I meet many Western Christians that can scarcely believe that God actually has something to say to them. (Here I am not giving license to those who claim that God has spoken to them, rather those in community and in discernment seek the voice of God into their lives.)

While I can agree with the internetmonk's recent post about the problem of being preoccupied with possessing a particular gift and failing to gift others in a particular moment, I do think it is the church's preoccupation with getting things done rather than with answering the call of God. I do not believe a need is a call, as ministries need to die sometimes. If the ministry is something God wants then something will eventually happen. What we need is an understanding of the world where God is active and vocal.

Viruses in our thinking

I ran my antivirus on my little netbook and nothing turned up but I ran my anti-malware program and turned up a trojan virus. In my reading and thinking I've wondering more and more how we buy into worldviews without being aware of the corruption. A good example is the church as a company and pastor as CEO, another is programs and good methods are spiritual. Another is because I feel I am spiritual therefore I am. A variant version is because I enjoy playing piano and singing I am entitled to do it in public in front of a congregation.

We are full of viruses in our thinking. Some of the worst are from the Pelagian virus family, sucha as "I will convert people", "we will bring in the kingdom of God" and, "I will make myself a better believer". I remember in my first systematic theology class the professor asked a simple question giving alternative positions and asked us to confirm which we believed and surprisingly everyone had a heretical belief!

We need both good discernment, wisdom and education in community to keep us aware of the viruses that are around.

For The Audience of One- Chapter 9

In this blog I'm going to try and be more of a push and pull technological expression. This will be an attempt to provide some questions for reflection on Mike Pilvachi's book For the Audience of One. Today is Spring and a time of new birth which is partially why Easter is near.

Read Chapter 9 For the Audience of One

How's your prayer life? Is what you're doing in public match your private life? How honest is your worship? Be honest here. God already knows.

1. What touched you in this chapter? What really caught your attention?
2. What upset you? What challenged you?
3. How to you respond to Mike's model of leadership and David's leadership?
4. Be honest, do you want to be a Samuel – Mike's version?
5. “God is less bothered with what I perceive as being the sins of the church and more concerned with my personal, well-ignored faults.” (page 132) Let God speak to you.

For The Audience of One- Chapter 8

In this blog I'm going to try and be more of a push and pull technological expression. This will be an attempt to provide some questions for reflection on Mike Pilvachi's book For the Audience of One.

Read Chapter 8 Creativity in Worship

Monotonous is boring but in fact means one tone, shade, or color. Are you willing to be more colorful, have more varieties and styles?

1. What do you notice about Mike Pilavachi's language in this chapter? How is his image of worship different from yours?
2. What is the difference between creativity and imitation?
3. What is the strongest image from this chapter? Why is it so?
4. Rather than focus on self, can you imagine encouraging other's creativity.
5. Read Revelation 4;11 slowly aloud as a prayer and wait quietly for God's response.

For The Audience of One- Chapter 7

In this blog I'm going to try and be more of a push and pull technological expression. This will be an attempt to provide some questions for reflection on Mike Pilvachi's book For the Audience of One.

Read Chapter 7 Worship and Spiritual Warfare

Sometimes fear is a darkness that overwhelms and in fact distracts us from anything of light. We feel we have to conquer the darkness rather than look to faith, look with thanksgiving on our journeys of faith.

1. What surprised you reading these few pages? Was this chapter something expected?
2. What are your experience of this in worship?
3. How important is preparation for spiritual warfare in worship?
4. How are you distracted or what do you do distracts others from God?
5. Read 2 Chronicles 20: 20-21 and spend time in prayer before worship.

Our Unique Call

So many terrible things happen every day that we start wondering whether the few things we do ourselves make any sense. When people are starving only a few thousand miles away, when wars are raging close to our borders, when countless people in our own cities have no homes to live in, our own activities look futile. Such considerations, however, can paralyse us and depress us.

Here the word call becomes important. We are not called to save the world, solve all problems, and help all people. But we each have our own unique call, in our families, in our work, in our world. We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust. Then we will discover that our faithfulness to a small task is the most healing response to the illnesses of our time. Henri Nouwen Bread for the Journey

This is our purpose or meaning in life only discovered in the context of a continuing relationship, an attentive relationship, lived out in small minute ways. Often the big vision is not supported by small actions and we become guilty of hypocrisy. Let's live according to the moment in the light of eternity rather than try and capture eternity.

For The Audience of One- Chapter 6

In this blog I'm going to try and be more of a push and pull technological expression. This will be an attempt to provide some questions for reflection on Mike Pilvachi's book For the Audience of One.

Read Chapter 6 Prophetic Intercession

Honesty is so important especially with an omniscient God, a God who knows all. The honesty is for us and not for God. Openness reflects that vulnerability that God expressed in coming to earth and even relating to us.

1. What surprised you reading these few pages?
2. What are the elements of worship and what are your expectations for worship?
3. Are there desires in your life/heart that attracted to what is being said about worship?
4. Which stories upset you or made you pay attention.? Did they name something for you?
5. Read Psalm 42 slowly three times, read it aloud and pray for either yourself or someone you know.

What is this?

Welcome to Hatsune Miku. She isn't an anime character, nor is she a real singer. She is a Vocaloid voice created to run in a computer. However she sings in tune, in the right places. She's not a recording as such. She even sings with a Japanese English accent! Is this art? Does it have any claim for a place or is it simply a distraction as entertainment.

techno fast

An enormous danger to the Church is an unthinking Christianity that slips into society's patterns of living without investigating their validity. We should fear bandwagons that draw in participants who haven't really thought through the significance and meaning of a particular movement for their lives. Marva Dawn Truly The Community

Lent is a time for Christians to focus often giving up things. Fat Tuesday also pancake or Shrove Tuesday last week is a clearing of formerly luxury foods for the season of Lent. A few years ago I limited my tv viewing to one hour a day. Friends give up chocolate. This year in Italy catholics are urging switching off technology such as mp3 players and abstaining or reducing internet surfing or text messaging until Easter.

Of course the issue really isn't about denial but discipline and self-discipline. Reducing my tv viewing freed me up for reading more things. Since I now don't have a tv now, I've decided to ensure I do an hour of devotional reading a day in this season. Not Bible study nor prayer but devotional reading by trying to read good Christian literature. I avoid as much Christian fluff as possible. Marva Dawn asserts "How people think is the basis for who they become."

Makoto Fujimura asserts that "we carry the dust of Eden in our DNA. Now, as we face a world ... we need to understand that our imaginative capacities carry a responsibility to heal, every bit as much as they carry a responsibility to depict angst." I feel Lent is a time of simplicity getting rid of complexity in order to find God both in angst and healing. Recently I was reading about the Father General of the Jesuits, Pedro Arupe who after celebrating Mass in a slum in South America, was invited to a home by a big man. Arupe wasn't sure whether to go or not, but he went to a shack that was ready to collapse.

He had me sit down on a rickety old chair. From there I could see the sunset. The big man said to me, "Look sir, how beautiful it is!" We sat in silence for a few minutes. The sun disappeared. The man then said, " I don't know how to thank you for all you have done for us. I have nothing to give you, but I thought you would like to see this sunset. You liked it, didn't you? Good evening."

I missed the sunset but last night I looked at the moon and then at a very bright light in the sky. So bright it was difficult not to keep looking at it and wondering what it was. I know now it is Venus in the Western sky. Can we appreciate or wonder at the simple things when we have the distraction of other things? I'm not sure or not.

For the Audience of One - Chapter 5

In this blog I'm going to try and be more of a push and pull technological expression. This will be an attempt to provide some questions for reflection on Mike Pilvachi's book For the Audience of One.

Read Chapter 5 The Fruit of Worship – Holiness

Real freedom and hope comes in God and in Christ Jesus. With a willingness and desire for change. worship becomes what it was meant to be.

1. Do you agree with the idea that worship is for us and our feelings? Or Mike's position?
2. What is your current understanding on the purpose of worship?
3. What do humans need to do in worship?
4. How do you feel to be described as a broken pot? Can you accept it? If not why not?
5. Read 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 and ask God what it means to contemplate or to reflect Him.

Unthinking imitation

An enormous danger to the Church is an unthinking Christianity that slips into society's patterns of living without investigating their validity. We should fear bandwagons that draw in participants who haven't really thought through the significance and meaning of a particular movement for their lives. Marva Dawn Truly The Community

Imitation is the highest form of flattery, however the most dangerous form of discipling. Cookie cutter thinking forces others into molds and springs into judgmentalism when they refuse to conform to what we think they should. We do violence because the one who transforms is the Holy One, the mold is not what we think but Christ himself. Max Lucado talks about finding your sweetspot, like in a tennis racket if you play the ball or life out of that zone power, strength and skill come. Enjoyment and pleasure flow from playing there. This is the older aspect of calling. We have corporate callings as communities and also personal ones.

Whether it is imitating or taking on the values and methods of surrounding culture without careful thought to implications and language, or simply imitating and using Christian songs without thinking of the worldview they embody. Just because another Christian wrote a song does not mean we should taking it and use it without adequate theological reflection about its suitability. I am saddened to find people serving outside their sweet spot and they haven't thought about what is happening to them. They are living off their own energy rather than the joy found inside playing from the right place. I continue to argue that a need is not a call - a call is from God and from within the spirit. A calling if found it its life giving qualities. A need is gap someone is trying to fill.

I have never found it work to read a Bible passage, think and pray about it and choose a worship sequence. In fact it is life giving and affirming, to do the preparation, to use the songs and hymns personally and to run rehearsals and ultimately facilitate others. In fact , I miss it currently, though enabling others to get closer and find God is very satisfying. Finding your place, your calling requires energy but when you're playing out of your sweet spot you have life, energy, joy, fun, and you don't feel tired during it. Work is the sweat of the brow and effort and willpower; serving inside your calling brings life, energy from beyond self, and is worship.

With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 2 Thess 1:11