In May 2003 I was feeling pretty broken, feeling the effects of rejected love and dealing with a lot of unfinished business in my life. I was also reading profusely and had been thinking a lot about The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen. On Monday May 12th I read the whole of Theology of the Pain of God by Kazoh Kitamori, a Japanese theologian. In my journal notes I recorded :-
"The fact of Jesus Christ becomes the fact of the Gospel only when seen as the fact of the love of God enfolding us. Only when the birth and death of Jesus Christ as seen as the "pain of God' and his resurrection as the "love rooted in the pain of God" do these facts become the fact of the gospel." ... "The love of God which loves only those who love, fear and obey God may be called simply "God's Love." But the love which loves sinners who become his enemies is called "God's love rooted in the pain of God." And the "pain of God" means this coexistence of the wrath of God with the love of God in tension."Kitamori wrote further :-
"To forgive is to forget... However the pain, if real, penetrates the one who forgives and issues forth in the intent love. ...Forgiveness exhibits its true nature and pain proves to be real, only when intent love enfolds others, forgetting its pain."Through my life I have the awesome experience of being aware of people's inner lives and frequently their pain and tears have become a part of my journey in life. Yesterday a student told me that when younger she learned that despair leads people to death and now years on she knows it is true both physically and mentally. All I can do is watch, care, monitor for I feel all I can do is to extend an intentional love and bring the God of hope to them. It is important to me that people should never cry alone.
On Tuesday morning May 13th 2003, the day after reading about the pain of God, I drew the image of the heart being held together by the hair which was growing buds. (As I write now I remember the woman who came to Jesus and washed his feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.) Later that Tuesday night I dreamt I was in the garden clearing up and it was getting more and more muddy and more and more water was coming from inside the house. Everything was becoming waterlogged even though there was a slope for runoff. I went inside and could see the water was coming from a pipe in the lounge. There was no wrench to be found and the tool I found wouldn't do the job of switching off the water. I wasn't worried or distressed by this.
Kitamori asserted towards the end of his book, "Only by the sustaining hand of transcendental grace at this moment can the study of pain be pursued." I, in writing now, am also a recipient and continuing receiver of that grace.
